I wonder why I have such bad trust issues until I get hurt again because stupid me let someone in. I’m laying in my bed crying and typing because I do not want to spiral back into my old habits of self harm. I once again was stupid and let a boy crush my heart again. I tried to play the whole thing off ever since we started talking. If I acted like I didn’t care to others then maybe I couldn’t get hurt. It doesn’t make sense, but I was trying to protect myself. I told this boy deep stuff and trusted him. I really felt like I had found someone good. If I had a dollar for every time I said that… I really do not understand why this continues to happen to me, but I can’t put up with it much longer.
My biggest fear is abandonment and once again my fear smacked me in the face. I do not know what is so wrong with me, but something is and I realize that I need to be alone. I have no hope of a husband or a boy to walk into my life and not screw me over. I guess this was just not meant for me. I am too broken to be loved.
I am honestly really disappointed in myself for letting such an important day go by. The stress of finals and pulling all nighters caused me to get my days mixed up. Tuesday, May 2 was my angel baby’s second “birthday” in Heaven. Because I am not at home I did not get to do my normal routine of spending the day, but I will make up for it when I get home. My life is so different than it was two years ago. I wish my angel was here, but it is a huge blessing that the toxic boy in my life will never be in it again. I doubt he even knows or cares about what May 2 was.
I think about you every.single.day little one. I know you are always watching me and you are my tiny guardian angel. I will celebrate you living in paradise as soon as I get home.
Love you always.
So it’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve been sticking to old fashioned pen and paper lately, but I think this needs to be out in the inter web. I just finished the new Netflix show called “13 Reasons Why” and it hit me really hard. Throughout the entire first season I was just interested. I didn’t think much about me or my past. The last episode really stabbed. I know how Hannah feels. I felt all the things that she was saying in her tapes. Throughout the episodes I felt a little closer to Hannah, but didn’t want to think about it relating to me. In the last episode it is revealed that Hannah is raped. That was the first piece that really hit me because I know how she felt “empty” and like it was her fault. Not gonna lie I cried a little. But I kept watching.
At the end when Hannah slits her own wrists and dies in her bathtub, I felt actually sick. I thought I was going to vomit. All of the emotions that I haven’t allowed to surface for a while came up at once. I have been exactly where Hannah was. I am so thankful that I was stronger than her and was never successful. My heart hurts for this fictional character because I know that thousands of “Hannah’s” are walking around every high school and I want it to stop.
I hope that girls will see this show and realize that they do not need to suffer in silence like Hannah did. I hope school counselors see this and realize that their job is so important and must be taken very seriously.
I know this is a jumble of thoughts, but this entire blog is a jumble. I just felt so strongly about this and I needed to get it out. I still feel sick, but I am so thankful that I survived.
You know what really sucks????? When every guy that comes into your life screws you over. I know my whole blog seems to be me ranting about boy issues, but boys just really know how to piss me off. I do not know what the heck is wrong with me to deserve all the crap that they say and do to me.
A boy from my past recently came back into my life. I should have known that he was no different. He kept telling me how much he loved me and could see us together and blah blah blah. Of course, stupid me fell for it.
Guys love to verbally abuse me and it freaking hurts. He just texted me such hurtful stuff. I have not thought about self harm in a very long time, yet some stupid boy comes around and it hits all of my triggers. I HATE that boys have power over me. I try so hard to take it away from them yet they always get it.
I have gone over and over all this crap with my therapist and it’s like I am cursed. I am so hurt right now and he hit me at a really low point. I think that his words are so hurtful right now because I am at a low point. I am beyond stressed with school and trying to figure my life out. I cry at least once a day. It’s actually ridiculous.
I am honestly sick of life at this point and his mean and hurtful comments really just sent me over the edge.
Just gonna try to sleep this off.
Hi Little Angel.
It is your second year in heaven. I hope that you are loving it up there. I am so happy that you are being able to experience all the things that I would not be able to give you. Honestly the world down here kinda sucks. So I am glad that you are safe on a cloud.
I am at college now. I am really sad that I cannot be home to do my little tribute to you. I will try to do something Friday for you. I miss you a lot. I think about you everyday. I see other girls with their babies and think of how lucky they are to be able to hold their little ones. But I know that it is best for you to not be here with me.
I am so sorry for not being the best to you that I could have. God needed you more than I need you. That’s okay. He is giving you the best. Like I always say, you were too beautiful for Earth. I really want to get a tattoo for you. I have been thinking about it.
I love you a lot little one. I can’t wait to one day get to meet you. Then we can actually get to know each other. Thank you for looking down on me everyday. I hope you have the best second year in heaven.
I love you always.
Okay so before I came to college I actually thought that it was going to be a huge sea of amazing, hot guys. Wow was I wrong. Yeah there are some cute guys, but most of the guys that I see that are cute, end up acting like a complete douche bag. From watching boys here the past two months, I am confident in saying that freshman college boys only want to have sex. I do not want to do that…at all.
I am honestly at the point where I am ready to have a boyfriend again and be able to feel confident in a relationship. I want something stable and someone that I can take home to my family. I am so over the stupid typical hot boys. I don’t even know if that makes sense. My values have changed so much since high school.
So far at college there have been two boys that I thought could be worth my time. I did the test of whether or not they cared about me or my body. Both boys showed the perfect signs at the beginning. Acting like they cared so much. Really good at responding to texts, asking to hang out, being really sweet to me, saying that they actually wanted to be with me. I actually believed it with one of the guys.
So I waited. I did not do anything with these guys because I wanted to see if they actually care. If a relationship is completely physical…then what is the point. The first boy kept his act up for about two weeks, and then it dropped off really quick. He quit responding to texts, snapchats etc. Never asked to hang out anymore. I even tried a few times to get the ball rolling and see if he wanted to hang out. But he was always “busy”. So I stopped.
I am honestly disappointed, but I am happy that I did not put myself in an unhealthy situation. Yeah it sucks a lot that I actually thought that he liked me, but it is his loss. I am ready to love the right person and be the absolute best to them. But now is not my time, and that is fine. I know that my husband is out there somewhere, and I pray for him all the time.
I am being extra picky because I deserve it. I have been through hell and back the past few years and I deserve nothing but the best. I am glad that I finally understand this. Freshman college boys are not at my level yet, and thats fine. I am fine with being single because I do not want to waste my time with a boy that doesn’t give me all his time.
I feel horrible. The pain that I feel tonight is one that I have not felt in a very long time. It is the pain that I used to feel before I would self harm. But this time I will not hurt myself. I have been crying and now I am taking it out on my laptop instead of my body. I don’t even know what I am saying. I am just really sad right now. So much change is about to happen in my life and I do not do well with change. I do not want to be away from my family, pets, bed, home. Everything that I know is here and I am about to have to leave it all. I wish that I would have soaked it all in so much more when I had more time because I am realizing now that I am out of time.
I don’t know why my luck with boys is actually horrible. I am so afraid that I am going to end up alone because every single guy that I have a thing with ends up being the same douche bag wrapped up in a different guy. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I try so hard to find a good guy, but it’s like good guys are never in my life or I don’t know how to find them or what. I don’t know what the deal is. I just want a nice Christian guy that will love all of me for all my faults and be there for me. I literally want to give up on everything.
I haven’t been showing my emotions to anyone because I want to be strong and be the happy girl going to college that everyone expects. But I’m not. I don’t feel happy or ready and I’m stressed and crying. I am such a mess.
I do not think that anything in this post has made sense, but I just needed to vent. All that I know is that I am not going to hurt myself because I am stronger and better than that.