IV

Once again I am a few hours late. May 2 is always hard for me, so I tried to keep myself busy all day.

I took my last final this morning of my junior year of college. When I was walking home all I could think about was what my life would be like if my four year old child lived on earth with me. I can’t imagine what my life would be like. I know I would be an amazing mom, and I know I will be later on in life when the timing is right.

Four is such a fun age. Planning your birthday party would be so exciting. I know I would be chasing you around all the time. You definitely have my energy level.

I don’t know what your dad is up to, but I know he loves you too.

My angel baby, I know you have had the best four years hanging out with Jesus. I know Lucy and Harley are playing with you. DeeDee is definitely playing the same games with you that she played with me.

I think about you everyday, not just on your earthly birthday. I know you know that.

I am so excited to meet you some day. I hope you are the first face I see when Jesus opens the pearly gates. I know you are amazing, You were too amazing for this world. I’m thankful Jesus gave me such a cool kid, way too cool for earth.

Each year is just as hard. I don’t think it will ever get easier. Know that I love you more each day.

Thank you for looking out for me up there.

Happy fourth birthday, my little one.

Again. Are you serious?

I literally am laughing at my situation right now because I cannot understand what the hell the universe is doing to me.

I like a guy, he doesn’t like me.

He ends up liking me, I don’t want him anymore.

I find a bad guy, he falls in love.

I find a good guy,  he is undecided.

Why can I only get love and attention from douche bags? I don’t understand. I have made tons of changes in my life and the way I carry myself around boys. I’m convinced Mr. Right is on Mars.

I just started talking to this new guy. He was from home and I had always known of him, but didn’t actually know him. He messaged me on social media and we started texting. We immediately clicked. I felt something different about this guy and I had never felt this way. I have definitely fallen for the wrong guy way too soon, but this feeling wasn’t that.

This feeling was comfortable, happy, secure. I felt confident that he actually liked me and wanted to talk to me. He would text me every morning, always kept the conversation going, wanted to FaceTime me, wanted me to come to visit him. I was really excited and even told him I thought he was too good to be true. He assured me that he was serious and wanted to be in this with me.

Lie.

I went to visit him and it was amazing. It was so freaking fun. It felt so natural. I felt like he was someone I could seriously see myself dating and that’s huge for me. I never want to date anyone. Talking to someone casually was fine, but never anything more. When I felt this for him it excited me. I felt like I had found someone that would be there for me.

Now I totally understand that I sound like a psycho. Who the heck feels this way for someone they have only spent a weekend with. I feel psycho, but I also know what I feel and I know I’ve never felt this way this fast. Ever.

So as my life usually does, it gets good and then crumbles to the ground. He was so sweet and amazing to me the first two-ish weeks after I left. Then the texts got shorter. The conversations started to die. Things were off. He told me he didn’t want to be anything right now. He told me he was going through things and needed to focus on himself. I believe him, but dude what the literal f. Why would you string me along? Obviously, this really hurt me and still hurts.

I tried to be as supportive as possible and not make it about me. I think I did a really good job. We didn’t talk for like two days and then he would text me good morning texts with hearts and kissy faces. He would Snapchat me. We would talk at least once a day. I sent him words of encouragement and he would tell me how much it meant to him. And then when I think things might be getting better…boom. He gets injured.

He plays a sport and was really riding on going pro. Of course, he gets hurt right now. Turns out he is going to be fine, but it just added to the pile of things he “has to work through”. I have been 100% supportive of him and haven’t made anything about myself or about what we are etc. It was so hard, but I was thinking of what was best for him.

Yesterday, I cracked. I couldn’t not know what we were doing. He said he does want to talk and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him I wanted to wait for him. He said he just needs to get through his funk. He said me texting him is fine. Fine? Fine. I told him to be brutally honest and that is what I got. I would rather him tell me he thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore. I wanted a definite answer, yes I see us going somewhere or no I don’t. I got neither. I am back to the worst place ever.

The Unknown.

I don’t know if he is ever going to want me. I don’t know if he is just trying to “let me down easy”. If he gave me the good news, I wouldn’t feel this out in my stomach. I wouldn’t feel like I did something wrong. I wouldn’t feel helpless. If he told me the bad news, I could work on moving on. Yeah, it would suck, but we aren’t in deep enough for it to completely break me down. I would rather have that than be where I am right now.

So what now?

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I’m annoying him. I feel like I was a clingy psycho. My mind is only going to bad places and I truly feel awful about myself. Yeah, that’s dramatic, but I feel things harder than most people. I talk to my friends about it, but I just sound stupid. I know it sounds stupid, but my feelings are real.

I’m stuck. I’ve had guys approach me and I don’t want them. I want to wait for this guy. Never once have I wanted this. I don’t know what to do, so I come here. Where I always come when I have a strong feeling.

So, it’s in God’s hands. He obviously doesn’t want me to be with this guy right now and maybe not ever. I know this, but it doesn’t make anything hurt any less. I guess I’ll take the path that makes me kinda crazy and continue to wait. Wait for something I don’t know will ever come. If things go south, I will know that this decision was in my hands.

I’ll wait because I think you are worth it.

Humans Cannot Provide Enough

As you can probably tell, I pretty much say what is on my mind. The first few weeks of school were honestly amazing. I am getting really involved in my church and have been working to get closer to God. I was so happy and each day was exciting rather than something I had to get done. I was legit in love (okay maybe not actually) with this guy at my church. Not gonna lie, he had a big part in me wanting to get more involved. Maybe I started for the wrong reasons, but whatever. I got there. Anyways, so I truly had no idea that he was talking to someone, obviously pretty seriously because now they are dating. Y’all….I was shooketh when I saw the Instagram post. I had a mini panic attack and a huge glass of wine. I had made up our entire life in my head, which is so creepy, but whatever. I felt like I got broken up with. Could I be more dramatic. I mean honestly. But that’s how I felt. I had to mute him on Instagram because seeing him and her triggered something deep in me. Yeah I wish I was that girl, but really the root of my stress was not from him at all. I barely know the kid, no way he could actually hurt me. He never belonged to me. I was just a creepy crusher.

It took me a few days, but I kept praying. “Why the heck am I so upset over this guy that I have spoken to only a few times?” and it hit me. My OG subscribers should know where this is going. All of my feelings of my one and only boyfriend betraying me and getting with one of my friends. Bingo.

Betrayal. Feeling not good enough. Seeing another girl with the guy I wanted. Feeling alone. Feeling pushed to the side.

Even though this poor boy had no idea I was so obsessed (and hopefully never finds out. wow that would be embarrassing) I put him on a pedestal as a way for me to not hurt. I thought if I had this perfect Christian guy then I would be a great Christian and so happy and so goals and blah blah blah. I was looking to him to provide for me. HELLO! Some random boy at church cannot provide for me. Even if we dated, he still couldn’t. No earthly human, especially not a boy, can provide to me what I need. This boy cannot stitch up my heart and make me feel confident. The only person that can make me whole again is Jesus. Jesus can fill every need I can ever imagine, and I pushed Him to the back burner. Just a mere accessory in my beautiful, perfect thought out plan. It really sucks that I did that, but thank Jesus for everlasting forgiveness.

This might be a stretch, but maybe just maybe Jesus allowed me to have my mini obsession as a way to get me into the church. I have a bad history of always thinking I need a boy to complete me and make me whole. Where did I look? Bars, frat houses, Instagram, literally anywhere. Maybe Jesus used this sweet boy as a pawn because He knew I’d follow. Now I am involved in the college team at church. Paid a deposit, not really trying to lose that money. I know Jesus has a sense of humor because I fell for the beautiful, muscular path He paved. Good one, Jesus. Well played.

I was kind of mad at Jesus at first. Can’t lie. “Why the heck am I going to church then if I am only going to see my dream bae cuddled up to another girl?” Stop it right there. Church isn’t a breeding ground…it’s a place to worship and serve Jesus. I had it all wrong and boy has my perspective flipped.

Now that all of my feelings of high school hurt I so neatly shoved into a dark hole have come to surface I now have those to deal with. Jesus is showing me that shoving feelings away doesn’t make it better. I truly am a Queen at that, but I have to change that.

Though this sucks, it is just another stepping stone on getting to the girl that Jesus made for me. I will reach my full potential in Him. I have a heck of a long way to go, but I can already tell I have matured from high school because I was able to recognize this problem was not about some boy at church, but about me.

I really prefer to not talk about feelings and show weakness to friends, so I am going to find a counselor around my college to unpack my dark shadows. Prayers appreciated. Let’s see how it goes…

xo,

Her

Three Years Young

I am an hour late on the blog post, but I have been studying for finals like a mad woman trying to mask the pain of today.

You would’ve been three yesterday little one. I think about you everyday, but a lot today. I keep trying to picture what you would look like. What would my life be like if I had a three year old? Life would be pretty crazy.

I know that you were too beautiful for Earth and that I have the best guardian angel. I bet you are hanging out with DeeDee. I know y’all are having the best time together.

I am so glad you are happy and with Jesus. I love you so much little one. I’ll see you someday. Happy Third.

The Phone Call

Let me first say, I feel so happy. The call I received last night was one that I had been praying for. I have been struggling so much with wanting to be better. I have been craving God, but pushing Him to the side. I have the right intentions, but I let myself do wrong. I feel worse because I know what is right and still choose to do wrong. I have been praying so hard for a sign. A sign that would give me the extra push that I needed.

Last night I was at a bookstore looking for a book on bettering my relationship with Jesus. While I was there I was Snapchatting a guy that I have known for around two years, but our relationship was never more than a few Snapchats every so often. He was asking what I was looking for and I told him. This led to him asking if he could call me. He called and I am so thankful that he did.

We talked for an hour and 5 minutes about Jesus. My heart was bursting the whole time because I knew that Jesus set this up. Jesus was answering my prayer and giving me the push that I needed. I needed the reasurannce from a real person. Someone who wasn’t standing on stage in front of me at church. This boy talked to me as the real him. He told me the messy parts of his life and how Jesus had saved him. I don’t think he realizes how much it meant to me that he was so raw. I needed to hear that someone else was messy like me and could still be saved by Jesus. I have always known that Jesus could cleanse us, but to see first hand that Jesus really can take away all sin was amazing.

I know the journey I have in front of me is going to be really freaking hard, but MY God can do anything. I know that Jesus is with me and I can feel Him squeezing me extra tight. I know that I can be better and live my life for Jesus. I know I will mess up at some point, but MY God can cleanse me again.

I ask for prayers as I embark on this journey of becoming the best daughter of the King I can be. Thank you, Jesus for the sign that I needed. I am filled to the very tip top with joy.

Another Year Passes

September 29 comes and goes just as last year, and the year before, and the year before. I was dreading this day, as I always do. I haven’t really told people at school, so I knew I would suffer in silence. That’s fine though. I do not like when people feel sorry for me. This Friday was the first time I missed class this year. I could not get myself out of bed. Did not have the energy to put on a pleasant face. I stayed in bed all day. I had lit candles and had soup delivered. My dog was my companion. I cried a lot and listened to my song that I only listen to on this day.

I am as in shock as I was the day this happened. Why the heck did God let this happen to me? I get the whole “God will only give you what you ca handle”, but I don’t want to handle this. I’m sure God will use my pain for good eventually, but in the moment it sucks. As I wallowed in my pain Friday, I kept thinking of how this will effect relationships in the future. I could be dramatic, but I have zero hope that I will find someone good. Every time I have found someone I thought was different, I got screwed over.

I recently joined a small group for single college girls. I always walk away with deep thoughts. I feel way too used for someone to want me. All the good, Christian guys will be drawn to the good, pure, Christian girls. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am a messy one with a difficult past. This seems ridiculous, I am only 19, but this is the season of life I am stepping into. Everyone on my social media is getting engaged or has a boyfriend. It makes me feel bad ha ha ha. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.

This went on a tangent that I was not trying to go to. Oh well. Hopefully, tonight I will get a positive attitude about all of this.

And Again…

I wonder why I have such bad trust issues until I get hurt again because stupid me let someone in. I’m laying in my bed crying and typing because I do not want to spiral back into my old habits of self harm. I once again was stupid and let a boy crush my heart again. I tried to play the whole thing off ever since we started talking. If I acted like I didn’t care to others then maybe I couldn’t get hurt. It doesn’t make sense, but I was trying to protect myself. I told this boy deep stuff and trusted him. I really felt like I had found someone good. If I had a dollar for every time I said that… I really do not understand why this continues to happen to me, but I can’t put up with it much longer.

My biggest fear is abandonment and once again my fear smacked me in the face. I do not know what is so wrong with me, but something is and I realize that I need to be alone. I have no hope of a husband or a boy to walk into my life and not screw me over. I guess this was just not meant for me. I am too broken to be loved.