Again. Are you serious?

I literally am laughing at my situation right now because I cannot understand what the hell the universe is doing to me.

I like a guy, he doesn’t like me.

He ends up liking me, I don’t want him anymore.

I find a bad guy, he falls in love.

I find a good guy,  he is undecided.

Why can I only get love and attention from douche bags? I don’t understand. I have made tons of changes in my life and the way I carry myself around boys. I’m convinced Mr. Right is on Mars.

I just started talking to this new guy. He was from home and I had always known of him, but didn’t actually know him. He messaged me on social media and we started texting. We immediately clicked. I felt something different about this guy and I had never felt this way. I have definitely fallen for the wrong guy way too soon, but this feeling wasn’t that.

This feeling was comfortable, happy, secure. I felt confident that he actually liked me and wanted to talk to me. He would text me every morning, always kept the conversation going, wanted to FaceTime me, wanted me to come to visit him. I was really excited and even told him I thought he was too good to be true. He assured me that he was serious and wanted to be in this with me.

Lie.

I went to visit him and it was amazing. It was so freaking fun. It felt so natural. I felt like he was someone I could seriously see myself dating and that’s huge for me. I never want to date anyone. Talking to someone casually was fine, but never anything more. When I felt this for him it excited me. I felt like I had found someone that would be there for me.

Now I totally understand that I sound like a psycho. Who the heck feels this way for someone they have only spent a weekend with. I feel psycho, but I also know what I feel and I know I’ve never felt this way this fast. Ever.

So as my life usually does, it gets good and then crumbles to the ground. He was so sweet and amazing to me the first two-ish weeks after I left. Then the texts got shorter. The conversations started to die. Things were off. He told me he didn’t want to be anything right now. He told me he was going through things and needed to focus on himself. I believe him, but dude what the literal f. Why would you string me along? Obviously, this really hurt me and still hurts.

I tried to be as supportive as possible and not make it about me. I think I did a really good job. We didn’t talk for like two days and then he would text me good morning texts with hearts and kissy faces. He would Snapchat me. We would talk at least once a day. I sent him words of encouragement and he would tell me how much it meant to him. And then when I think things might be getting better…boom. He gets injured.

He plays a sport and was really riding on going pro. Of course, he gets hurt right now. Turns out he is going to be fine, but it just added to the pile of things he “has to work through”. I have been 100% supportive of him and haven’t made anything about myself or about what we are etc. It was so hard, but I was thinking of what was best for him.

Yesterday, I cracked. I couldn’t not know what we were doing. He said he does want to talk and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him I wanted to wait for him. He said he just needs to get through his funk. He said me texting him is fine. Fine? Fine. I told him to be brutally honest and that is what I got. I would rather him tell me he thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore. I wanted a definite answer, yes I see us going somewhere or no I don’t. I got neither. I am back to the worst place ever.

The Unknown.

I don’t know if he is ever going to want me. I don’t know if he is just trying to “let me down easy”. If he gave me the good news, I wouldn’t feel this out in my stomach. I wouldn’t feel like I did something wrong. I wouldn’t feel helpless. If he told me the bad news, I could work on moving on. Yeah, it would suck, but we aren’t in deep enough for it to completely break me down. I would rather have that than be where I am right now.

So what now?

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I’m annoying him. I feel like I was a clingy psycho. My mind is only going to bad places and I truly feel awful about myself. Yeah, that’s dramatic, but I feel things harder than most people. I talk to my friends about it, but I just sound stupid. I know it sounds stupid, but my feelings are real.

I’m stuck. I’ve had guys approach me and I don’t want them. I want to wait for this guy. Never once have I wanted this. I don’t know what to do, so I come here. Where I always come when I have a strong feeling.

So, it’s in God’s hands. He obviously doesn’t want me to be with this guy right now and maybe not ever. I know this, but it doesn’t make anything hurt any less. I guess I’ll take the path that makes me kinda crazy and continue to wait. Wait for something I don’t know will ever come. If things go south, I will know that this decision was in my hands.

I’ll wait because I think you are worth it.

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