As you can probably tell, I pretty much say what is on my mind. The first few weeks of school were honestly amazing. I am getting really involved in my church and have been working to get closer to God. I was so happy and each day was exciting rather than something I had to get done. I was legit in love (okay maybe not actually) with this guy at my church. Not gonna lie, he had a big part in me wanting to get more involved. Maybe I started for the wrong reasons, but whatever. I got there. Anyways, so I truly had no idea that he was talking to someone, obviously pretty seriously because now they are dating. Y’all….I was shooketh when I saw the Instagram post. I had a mini panic attack and a huge glass of wine. I had made up our entire life in my head, which is so creepy, but whatever. I felt like I got broken up with. Could I be more dramatic. I mean honestly. But that’s how I felt. I had to mute him on Instagram because seeing him and her triggered something deep in me. Yeah I wish I was that girl, but really the root of my stress was not from him at all. I barely know the kid, no way he could actually hurt me. He never belonged to me. I was just a creepy crusher.
It took me a few days, but I kept praying. “Why the heck am I so upset over this guy that I have spoken to only a few times?” and it hit me. My OG subscribers should know where this is going. All of my feelings of my one and only boyfriend betraying me and getting with one of my friends. Bingo.
Betrayal. Feeling not good enough. Seeing another girl with the guy I wanted. Feeling alone. Feeling pushed to the side.
Even though this poor boy had no idea I was so obsessed (and hopefully never finds out. wow that would be embarrassing) I put him on a pedestal as a way for me to not hurt. I thought if I had this perfect Christian guy then I would be a great Christian and so happy and so goals and blah blah blah. I was looking to him to provide for me. HELLO! Some random boy at church cannot provide for me. Even if we dated, he still couldn’t. No earthly human, especially not a boy, can provide to me what I need. This boy cannot stitch up my heart and make me feel confident. The only person that can make me whole again is Jesus. Jesus can fill every need I can ever imagine, and I pushed Him to the back burner. Just a mere accessory in my beautiful, perfect thought out plan. It really sucks that I did that, but thank Jesus for everlasting forgiveness.
This might be a stretch, but maybe just maybe Jesus allowed me to have my mini obsession as a way to get me into the church. I have a bad history of always thinking I need a boy to complete me and make me whole. Where did I look? Bars, frat houses, Instagram, literally anywhere. Maybe Jesus used this sweet boy as a pawn because He knew I’d follow. Now I am involved in the college team at church. Paid a deposit, not really trying to lose that money. I know Jesus has a sense of humor because I fell for the beautiful, muscular path He paved. Good one, Jesus. Well played.
I was kind of mad at Jesus at first. Can’t lie. “Why the heck am I going to church then if I am only going to see my dream bae cuddled up to another girl?” Stop it right there. Church isn’t a breeding ground…it’s a place to worship and serve Jesus. I had it all wrong and boy has my perspective flipped.
Now that all of my feelings of high school hurt I so neatly shoved into a dark hole have come to surface I now have those to deal with. Jesus is showing me that shoving feelings away doesn’t make it better. I truly am a Queen at that, but I have to change that.
Though this sucks, it is just another stepping stone on getting to the girl that Jesus made for me. I will reach my full potential in Him. I have a heck of a long way to go, but I can already tell I have matured from high school because I was able to recognize this problem was not about some boy at church, but about me.
I really prefer to not talk about feelings and show weakness to friends, so I am going to find a counselor around my college to unpack my dark shadows. Prayers appreciated. Let’s see how it goes…