September 29 comes and goes just as last year, and the year before, and the year before. I was dreading this day, as I always do. I haven’t really told people at school, so I knew I would suffer in silence. That’s fine though. I do not like when people feel sorry for me. This Friday was the first time I missed class this year. I could not get myself out of bed. Did not have the energy to put on a pleasant face. I stayed in bed all day. I had lit candles and had soup delivered. My dog was my companion. I cried a lot and listened to my song that I only listen to on this day.
I am as in shock as I was the day this happened. Why the heck did God let this happen to me? I get the whole “God will only give you what you ca handle”, but I don’t want to handle this. I’m sure God will use my pain for good eventually, but in the moment it sucks. As I wallowed in my pain Friday, I kept thinking of how this will effect relationships in the future. I could be dramatic, but I have zero hope that I will find someone good. Every time I have found someone I thought was different, I got screwed over.
I recently joined a small group for single college girls. I always walk away with deep thoughts. I feel way too used for someone to want me. All the good, Christian guys will be drawn to the good, pure, Christian girls. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am a messy one with a difficult past. This seems ridiculous, I am only 19, but this is the season of life I am stepping into. Everyone on my social media is getting engaged or has a boyfriend. It makes me feel bad ha ha ha. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.
This went on a tangent that I was not trying to go to. Oh well. Hopefully, tonight I will get a positive attitude about all of this.