And Again…

I wonder why I have such bad trust issues until I get hurt again because stupid me let someone in. I’m laying in my bed crying and typing because I do not want to spiral back into my old habits of self harm. I once again was stupid and let a boy crush my heart again. I tried to play the whole thing off ever since we started talking. If I acted like I didn’t care to others then maybe I couldn’t get hurt. It doesn’t make sense, but I was trying to protect myself. I told this boy deep stuff and trusted him. I really felt like I had found someone good. If I had a dollar for every time I said that… I really do not understand why this continues to happen to me, but I can’t put up with it much longer.

My biggest fear is abandonment and once again my fear smacked me in the face. I do not know what is so wrong with me, but something is and I realize that I need to be alone. I have no hope of a husband or a boy to walk into my life and not screw me over. I guess this was just not meant for me. I am too broken to be loved.

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