Relapse?

I feel horrible. The pain that I feel tonight is one that I have not felt in a very long time. It is the pain that I used to feel before I would self harm. But this time I will not hurt myself. I have been crying and now I am taking it out on my laptop instead of my body. I don’t even know what I am saying. I am just really sad right now. So much change is about to happen in my life and I do not do well with change. I do not want to be away from my family, pets, bed, home. Everything that I know is here and I am about to have to leave it all. I wish that I would have soaked it all in so much more when I had more time because I am realizing now that I am out of time.

I don’t know why my luck with boys is actually horrible. I am so afraid that I am going to end up alone because every single guy that I have a thing with ends up being the same douche bag wrapped up in a different guy. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I try so hard to find a good guy, but it’s like good guys are never in my life or I don’t know how to find them or what. I don’t know what the deal is. I just want a nice Christian guy that will love all of me for all my faults and be there for me. I literally want to give up on everything.

I haven’t been showing my emotions to anyone because I want to be strong and be the happy girl going to college that everyone expects. But I’m not. I don’t feel happy or ready and I’m stressed and crying. I am such a mess.

I do not think that anything in this post has made sense, but I just needed to vent. All that I know is that I am not going to hurt myself because I am stronger and better than that.

xo, Her

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