Well tonight I was thinking about what has been bothering me lately. I feel like I have been pretty happy lately, but something has still felt a little off. Something seemed to be bringing me down. My therapist tells me to think about my feelings and come up with words on how I am feeling. Once I have figured that out I try to dig deeper and figure out why I am feeling these feelings. Tonight I was really thinking hard on what this little thing that is bothering me so badly could be. I think I have finally figured out a major section of this hurt.
I really do not like change. Change stresses me out and makes me feel out of control. I really cherish the few relationships in my life that I know will always be there. No matter what I do or how many times I mess up those people will always be there to forgive me and to take me back. I need more of those relationships in my life, but I feel like a few have crumbled away. It hurts me so much when people that I love change into this new person that I do not know at all. They seem to start caring about things that they never used to care about. I get booted as a priority and just become an option. The friendship is casual instead of special. It just really sucks to see awesome relationships like this blow away.
Some of the people in the relationships that have crumbled are not worth me trying to fix after a certain extent. I can only try for so long and the road goes two ways. I cannot fix it all on my own. Some relationships are worth fighting for. I feel like some of these people have been there for me when I was changing and being such a pain. They stuck through with me and I owe those people at least my best effort to stay their friend even when it is hard.
This is what I am struggling with right now. I have tried for a really long time to brush my feelings under the rug and to not make it known to the persons that they are acting not like themselves and in a way that really hurts me. The feelings of the person are more important to me than my own feelings so I will continue to not say anything. The downside to that is that they could eventually change so much that our friendship is completely gone. I do not want that at all.
I am just in a really weird, sad, and uncomfortable place right now. My therapist wants me to tell these people my feelings, but I do not want to hurt the people or make them feel bad about themselves. I just don’t want to ruin anyones day or year or anything by saying that they suck right now. So instead of getting my feelings out by telling the people I have been writing my feelings out in my journal.
So yeah. There is a little bit of my struggles right now.