The Glue

Say that you walk into a doll shop and there is one broken doll. For some reason you are so drawn to that doll. You take the doll home and expect it to stay together and function as a normal doll would. You pick the doll up to set it down for a tea party and a little sliver of her glass arm falls to the ground. You get frustrated. You go to change her tiny doll shoes and a small glass foot falls off. You get so upset and mad at the doll. But why? Did the doll choose to be broken? Did she just “wake up” one day and decide to shatter her glass body and have pieces of her fall off everyday? Of course she didn’t. The owner of the doll shop contacts you and sends you papers. Inside these papers you discover that this doll has been through so much. She was first owned buy a little girl who did not have a good home life. The little girls father was an angry drunk and made her feel very scared. The only safety that the little girl ever felt was when she could squeeze her doll so tight.

A broken doll cannot be expected to be able to glue herself together. Even if she appeared to be fixed she will never be fully fixed. She will always have the tiny cracks that maybe no one can see.

I am the doll. I am broken and no matter how hard I try to fix my cracks they will always be there. I’m okay with that. My scars show me that I have overcome and that I don’t need to go back to that time. They are my little reminders of how lucky I am to be alive.

The point of all of this is that I have some crappy examples. I don’t know how a girl should be treated. I have some personal home issues (not abusive) and these issues have left a hole in my heart that is my “boy love” hole. If that makes sense. We all grow up in different situations and we each get taught how things should or should not be. The adults around us are supposed to model the “ideal person” for us. When a piece of the heart is missing then we must search to fill the hole.

This is like me with boys and I am just now putting the pieces together. My dad and I have had a rocky past. We were getting a little better, but just recently it back tracked. Because I push my dad away I need boy attention. That is what has caused me to be kinda boy crazy. I don’t know to explain it other than I am thirsty for love. My needs are not being met. It is human nature to need love and to need attention. I try to fill the hole from my dad with other guys. It is really hard because it is apart of me now. My hole will never be filled.

I feel like I will never get the hole filled because I believe the type of guy that I would need to be with and have a healthy relationship with does not exist. I need someone that understands that I have a super crappy past that I still deal with. I have really bad relationship skills. I have never been loved well. I don’t know what it feels like to have a guy love me and not hurt me. For a guy to actually respect me and really care for me. Kinda weird to think about. I don’t have an example and I need that attention from somewhere. I need a guy that can realize that I mess up so much and that each day for me is a roller coaster. I need someone that is steady and calm and can stick by me when I go through hard stuff. Stuff that no one understands unless they go through it.

This blog stemmed off of the Grey’s Anatomy episode I just watched. It reminded me a lot of myself. Meredith Grey has a super terrible relationship with her dad. Because of this she pushes people away especially guys, just like me. Derek is trying to love her, but when he gets close to her she pushes away. Meredith and I both have no idea what to do when love is shown to us. We get afraid we see it as a bad thing and we shut it down. It really sucks because we could have great guys that love us but we don’t see it as true because we both feel that we are damaged and do not deserve love. Derek states in the episode that he knows that Meredith loves him but she does not know how to have a relationship. That made me realize that I am going to need someone who realizes that I will take a lot of work to come around and to let myself accept love.

Maybe someday this will happen. To those of you struggling with “Daddy Issues” I get it. It sucks, but God gave us these obstacles for a reason. Please stand with me in trying to break the boy habits. Boy cleanses are good. They suck and you feel desperate and lonely because you have a hole in your heart. I totally get it. That is me. I have been trying to fill that hole with healthy things like friendships. I am no where near where I want to be, but I am closer than I was yesterday to becoming a healthier happier girl :).

Stay strong y’all. We can do this.

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