Every time I talk to my consoler about a hard time she tells me, “It’s okay. You are allowed to have feelings about it”. That always comforts me for some reason. If I ever feel sad it helps to tell myself that phrase. No one has only good days. Everyone has bad days and everyone is allowed to have bad days. Recently I have hurt people that I love and I had to remind myself that they can have feelings about it too. If I hurt them I need to expect them to feel anger towards me. I should not be mad that they are mad when I was the one that caused the hurt. Does that make sense? Maybe it just comforts me hahaha.
Anyways on to the scared thing. You know what is weird? Lately I have been kind of in a slump, but it isn’t a dark sad hole that I am normally in. It is a dark hole of fear. It bothers me more because I know fear comes straight from the devil. Why do I let myself fear? I have really bad anxiety, so when I get scared… it’s bad. Lately I have been scared of so many things. First of all I have been scared to feel happy things…especially love. It all makes sense to me, I know why I am afraid of it, but I don’t want to be anymore. My brain is on total protection mode. My brain puts a wall up. Anytime any form of love comes my way (friends, family, boys) it is like red warning signs start blasting in my brain. It is so weird. I crawl into a little shell and either A. Don’t believe that they actually do love me or B. Get mad at myself because I feel like I don’t deserve their love. It’s a super bad habit that I am trying to get out of. I am seeing some progress!
You walk into the store and there are a ton of stuffed animals. You love stuffed animals and you want the perfect one for you. You start to look through them and they are so perfect and full of stuffing. As you keep searching through, you see a bear that is missing almost all of it’s stuffing, has only one eye, is dirty and is missing an arm. Of course you wouldn’t want to pick that bear. It is USED and MISSING PIECES. Why choose a bear that is not complete when you could choose a bear that is brand new? I feel like the used bear. I have been torn up and broken and have missing pieces. I have lately been afraid that I am going to be a lonely bear when I grow up :(. College is “find my wife” time for most people. I feel like when I get to college all of the girls will be the perfectly stuffed bears and I will be the one with barely any stuffing left and missing an arm. Does that make sense?
I should not feel like I will be the lonely bear. I need to have faith. I know that right now God knows who I will marry. He knows when and where I will meet him. I will find a bear that comes with stuffing and a needle and thread. My hubby bear will help me pick up some of my pieces. He will look past my scars and past. Obviously God is the only guy who can sew me back together, but isn’t marriage about bringing each other up also? He will be like my extra little support.
All in all. I am scared right now. A lot of mixed emotions. Feeling scared and trying to be positive. A lot is going on and I have a lot of feelings. I can have the feelings, but I have to make sure that I keep the feelings in their place and do not let them run me. I know that high school is a sucky time and I am actually grateful that I won’t peak in high school. I know that my future will be great. I have a super rocky road to achieve where I want to be, but God will walk with me. One day my bear charming will come and help sew my pieces back together. This is cheesy and I feel so awkward because I don’t like feelings, but this is me pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I am letting myself feel happy.
Everything will be okay 🙂