The Continuous Fall

Last night I realized something. All of the guy figures in my life have done me wrong in some way…but I think that I am the root of the problem. I had always thought that I was choosing wrong guys, but now that I have thought so much about every situation… I am the problem.

I’ll start with the first.  The ex is once again brought up. I was thinking about all of the reasons that we had problems. I was too clingy, too attached, too invested, too dependent, and too weak. I can see now that I was the root of most of our problems. Of course at the time I just assumed that a normal relationship was supposed to have this many problems… but I am the one with all the problems. I see now that I stressed him out by being so clingy. I was so attached to him because of sex and because I didn’t know what I would do without him.

I love routines and lists. I want everything to happen when I know it will. Every day I was in a routine with him. Go to school and see him. See him between classes. See him at activity period. Hug him at lunch. After school he would come to my locker. I would make him late to practice. Then after my practice I would get a text from him. We would text until we went to sleep. That is just how it was. Most of this time was spent arguing. I would be so stressed out that he would cheat on me because of some of our past struggles. I was so afraid of making him mad because when he was mad he was really mad. I felt so much pressure to hold both of us up, when I should have been standing up for myself. I let him walk all over me because I didn’t want to break my routine and I felt so guilty and responsible for every fight because I thought I had ruined everything. I made everything my fault. I was so in love and I didn’t want to lose him. He was my source of comfort…but also of pain. I should have put my comfort in God and not put so much pressure on the ex. I can see now why he acted like he did on some things. Some things he actually was a jerk, but some were a teenage boy that did not know what to do with strong feelings. Thats normal and I get that. I wish that at the time of our relationship I could have found a way to make it work, but he seems happier without me so I guess everything worked out the way that it should!

After we broke up I sought out boy attention so much. The girls that I was friends with at the time had tons of guy options and I was swooped right in. I needed attention. I was so used to guy attention all day everyday and when it was gone I felt lost. That is so pathetic I know but that’s how it was. I hung out with a lot of guys. Do I regret it? No, because it made me stronger and I realized what I did not want in a relationship.

I finally find this super nice Christian guy who was my breath of fresh air. He pulled me out of the dark hole I was in and showed me that there was more to do than party with boys. I have terrible trust issues with boys, but I was letting him in. I felt like I had finally found someone who I could be vulnerable with. HA. Once again, he ends things with me right when I get the happiest with him and let myself trust him and feel for him. Once again I am pushed down and have zero trust for guys. I think that in this situation what I did wrong was being vulnerable too soon. I should have kept my guard up and not shown him how much I liked him. I think that my feelings freaked him out and that is why he ended it. So I leave this guy thinking that I need to show no feelings towards boys.

Third guy comes along. I see him as nothing but just a guy. We hang out a lot and he is so fun to be around and so funny. I love that about him. We talk for about 2 monthsish somewhere around that number and I fall. I fall real hard for this boy. I had been showing no signs of me falling for him because I assumed that I was just another girl to him. This is where I went wrong. I ended up really hurting him because I kissed another guy. He was really upset and I didn’t really get it because I could not wrap my mind around the fact that he possibly actually really liked me. There was no way. Come to find out, I love this guy. I really do and that freaks me out because my past with love is a messy one. He hints around the “L” word towards me and that scares me too. He tells me he doesn’t trust me and I feel like I can’t trust him simply because he is a boy. What a great combination. I once again end up screwing up what could have been something great. He wanted a girlfriend and I got scared. I got so scared and started to talk myself out of loving him. I reminded myself that relationships hurt me. My example of a relationship from the past is awful. Basically the guy ends the thing with me and once again here I am hurt and broken. This time worse than the last guy because I loved this one. I still do. I am so mad at myself for not just going along with his plans and date him but I just can’t. I red flag automatically comes up and brings back every bad memory and my wall comes up. I can’t let him in because it always hurts me.

Do you see the problem? I am SO BROKEN and all of my pieces are scattered everywhere. I keep hoping that Prince Charming will come and put a band aid on my heart but it isn’t going to happen, obviously. All of this happened not because I picked the wrong guy, but because I am the wrong girl. I feel like a bomb in every relationship and as soon as it starts to get good, I somehow explode and shatter myself even more.

Ugh high school love hahaha.

This probably seems so whiney and dramatic but I needed to get this all out.

Also, my blog is way too much about boy drama. I need to have some new topics in my life.

I am going to stop letting boys be so important to me. I am strong and I can do this.

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