Missing the Hurt

I do not understand what I am feeling. I miss my ex. What the heck right? I do not understand but lately it has just been hitting me a lot. He has been on my mind a ton. Every time he comes to mind I just pray for him. I pray that God will ease the pain he had caused me, but I also pray that he is doing well and that he is happy. I think that when you fall in love it sticks around for a while. I cannot just not love him anymore. I do still love him, I do not love what he did to me. I am not trying to excuse the terrible things that happened, but I miss the guy I dated that was the best version of himself.

Everything around me seems to bring him up. Passing parking lots where we would talk, cleaning out my car and finding pictures of us, eating at the restaurants we loved, songs we would listen to. Every day on the way to school I pass a field where we watched fire works. I remember thinking in that moment that I could not even believe how in love I was. I was dead set that I would marry him. Omg I’m tearing up hahaha. Anyways, every single morning I am reminded of that good time. I pray for him every morning. It is hard, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to hate him, I do not hate him. I put up a pretty good front when it comes to being around people and his name comes up. I just blow it off like it is nothing because I cannot show the world my weakness. I have to be strong and I am “not supposed to love him”. It is crazy to me that I feel this way.

Feelings are so weird. They are so uncontrollable. I hate that every time I have to see him at school I miss him. I miss his hugs and his laugh and our good memories. I try to let myself not be such an idiot and think of all of the bad times, but lately I have been only thinking of the good. I have talked to other guys and what not, but I always get bored. No guy has made me happy like my ex (when he was actually being nice lol). No guys body as been as great as his. That is so shallow I know, but whatever. No guy has interested me enough. No guy has made me want to have a relationship with him. I am uninterested, unimpressed and bored with guys. No guys kiss has felt like his. Every time we would kiss I could literally feel sparks. That is so dumb and corny but it is true. I remember one time we were kissing and he stopped and said, “Our kisses are perfect”. That has stuck with me. He was right. They were perfect.

What I do not understand about this whole situation is why something that seemed so perfect has also been the worst parts of my life. When we were in a good place it really was perfect. When we were in a bad place it was like hell on earth. HOW CAN IT BE POLAR OPPOSITES? That is what I do not understand. Maybe I am just having a little mental breakdown because I hate being single (haha) but maybe it is just what happens after a breakup. We did go through so much together, more that normal teenagers do, so maybe that is why I miss him.

I miss him which means I miss the hurt. Why in the world would I miss what brought me down? It is beyond me. I am hoping that these feelings will pass, but who knows. Maybe I just need some time to miss the hurt. Hopefully some guy will come around and be perfect for me. Maybe my ex will come back around someday and will have grown up and maybe we actually would be perfect together…

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