Girls are shown what love is “supposed to” look liken the second we are handed a Barbie doll. As soon as we see a boy and a girl together. Older siblings, parents, randoms on the streets. We are given this idea in our head that we will all get our perfect Ken Doll boyfriend who will love us and never hurt us and we will live in a huge dream house happily ever after. We grow up and move towards Disney princesses and we see that boys can hurt us, but Prince Charming will always come at the end and save us and we will once again live happily ever after. Teenage years come and cousins start to marry and more mature movies come into our lives. The Notebook forever screwed up my idea of love (hahaha). We begin to see all of the good pieces of love. In the movies the boy loves the girl so much. He may hurt her and there is a dramatic crying scene, but he always makes it up to her by the end of the movie… and once again happily ever after. Well all of that is crap. It sucks. I have watched almost every love movie out there. I am obsessed with them, but that is not good. My idea of love and what it is supposed to look like is completely twisted. I either have way to high of a standard (a boy to build a white house for me like Noah in The Notebook or for a boy to chase me on a motor cycle as I leave New York like in How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days) or have too low of a standard.
The high standards come from the movies I watch…and Tumblr. I see all of these beautiful great pieces of love. The guy always doing cute things and loving the girl unconditionally. Cute couple pictures, cute dates, he leaves cheesy notes on her car. I see all of these things and my mind immediately races. “I want a guy like that. I need a guy like that. I need a guy to make me happy.” It escalates so quickly from a healthy want to a crazy obsession. It happens so subconsciously. I am the biggest hopeless romantic out there. Give me a bear and a cute card and I will be happy for weeks. I want this Prince Charming to come be every guy from every movie. I expect him to just pop up one day and yay my life is perfect. I have definitely learned the hard way that my dream guy won’t happen. I don’t want to put a damper on anyone’s idea of love…so stop reading here if your love life is going good.
I don’t believe anymore that real love can happen…at least not for me. I have messed up so much, kissed so many “frogs” and still no prince. I feel like there is this empty hole inside of me that each guy rips out. Even if I just text a guy for 3 days, when he ends up not texting me back it hurts me. What the heck right? Why does this happen to me? I have come to realize that I put WAY too much power into boys. It is so dumb and I hate that about myself. I am working so so so hard on it, but every time I try to let a guy in just a little, he hurts me.
Enough with the complaining. If you are feeling like me: unloveable, worthless, alone, needy, self conscious; then listen up. My consoler once told me that “Healthy people attract healthy people”. We need to act like the type of girl that would attract the nice guys. I personally have been attracting every douche bag in the area, that is because I held myself at a low standard. I honestly believed that I deserved that. I deserved a guy that would use me and then move on. Yay another night of crying, feeling worthless, and self harm. I am SO over being like that. I am trying so hard every day to fight my battles. I have been working on self confidence and holding myself to a super high standard. I want a great guy. A guy that loves Jesus and can love every broken piece of me. I know I can’t become great overnight, but I feel better.
I have been setting “boy goals”. I made a list of all of the traits that I want in a boy. Basically everything that my ex wasn’t (lol) and more. I want the best guy there is and I know that I can do it. I have to tell myself that I am a great girl. I can do great things if I want to. Everyday I have been trying to focus on being a better girl. Good girls will attract good boys. I am slowly getting myself in check and crossing off my old bad habits. I feel better and I feel like there is more hope.
This piece was all over the place, I know, but it is just my random thoughts on love at the moment. If you want something then do what you need to to get it. Do not change for a boy, but if you seem to be attracting the bad boys, give yourself a little self check like I did. I am not changing for a boy, I am changing for me. I am the best I can be and the best me will attract the best boy.
I am so excited to get married and be in love, but it will take someone real special to get me to that place again where I trust them and can love them. It will happen some day and right now I have to focus on being the best me and keeping the boy needs to a minimum.
One day love will find me and he will be SO worth it :).