November 6, 2014

Well last night after me and Amber, well, I prayed for us, she talked to me about how she really liked that prayer and that she wants to start going to church more and it made me so happy! This morning I woke up and went to breakfast and then me and Amber went back to our room and actually put on makeup so that we look happy and good on our last day because we go home today! Now I am sitting in the group room just chillen!

Aw okay so we were all in there and Evan was telling me that I was perfect and had the perfect body and that I was beautiful. He also said that there were only 4 perfect girls in the world and that I was one of them! It was so sweet and made me feel happy. The girls also tell me how beautiful I am and it makes me smile. They said I looked beachy and they have all just been so sweet. I genuinely love these girls. I am going to think about them so much and pray for them. I genuinely will miss them. They are all such sweet girls.

Evan was telling us how he stabbed his arm all the way through and that he also cut his back and stuff. He also said that he was a witch because it was in his family…He also said that he did voodoo and black magic. Me and Kim just looked at each other. We talked about Jesus, but Evan and Mark said they hated God. It makes me really sad, but at least I have planted the seed. I am now waiting on a bench with Kim and my parents just walked into the meeting room, so I am waiting for them!

**After this journal entry I was taken into a room with my two social workers, psychiatrist, and parents. We had a meeting going over what home should be like now and basically just went over everything that had happened. After this they said that I was now officially allowed to be discharged. I was given a huge plastic bag and I went to my room and began to pack up all of my things. Words cannot describe the relief and the happiness that I felt. I was finally getting to leave the hell-hole. I packed everything so fast and made sure I didn’t leave one thing. I walked to the front desk and Alexa came up to me and said that I was a “lucky son of a b****” and that I better not forget her. She hugged me so tight and said she loved me and that she wanted to name her kids after me. We then walked into the group room and I hugged all of my friends goodbye. I am actually tearing up writing about them because I miss them. They were some of the best people I have ever met. They were all screwed up just like me and not once while I was there did I feel judged or unloved by them. The staff…not so much. Those bonds I made with those kids are something special. I learned so much from them. Jesus hung out with the outcasts and the people that were frowned on by society and I get why he did. The people that society peg as “insane” were the nicest people I have ever met. Technically each person I met in there, including myself, is “insane” according to society. Judgmental people get to judge the un-judgemental. Yeah we all have mental illnesses, but I saw past that in those kids and they looked past that in me, and that was what bonded us. We didn’t see each other as the “insane” label that we had been given. We saw the real person behind the sickness and the happiness and hurt that we could all had gone through.

This marks the end of my in-hospital journaling. I hope that those of you that have read these past few blogs will learn something. Whether you learn that I have mental illness or the deeper meaning of not judging, I hope you take at least one thing from this.

Love others. You never ever know what someone is going through.

Dealing with a mental illness is a daily struggle. It is exhausting.

I did it. I made it out. I survived and so can you.

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