November 5, 2014

*Names of the persons mentioned are still changed, and this blog post and the proceeding blogs with dates as the title are word for word from my journal that I kept in the psychiatric hospital.

Well this morning some Mexican woman came into our room and woke us up. I got up and had so much diarrhea cause my stomach hurts so bad. I changed my tampon and got dressed and walked to the waiting area. Everyone was up and a new guy was here. He has super long black hair that covers his face and a bunch of lip piercings. His name is Evan and he is huge. I am getting the vibe that he thinks that he is a total bad a and that annoys me ha. At breakfast we sat and I ate fruit loops and a banana but my stomach hurts so bad. After breakfast I went back to the room and had so much diarrhea, my stomach hurts so bad.I then went back to the group room and we did our 10 “I am’s” and 10 “I am not’s” and “What we want to be”.

Holy crap! My psychiatrist just called me in and said I CAN GO HOME TOMORROW!!! I am so freaking excited. I am so happy and so thankful that God has blessed me with this. Thank you God! Anyways, back to the “I am’s”. I am strong, healthy, a survivor, a leader, happy, going to make a difference, thankful, loved, respected, special to God. I am not sad, a mess up, crazy, unhealthy, unloved, a burden, unspecial, a bad friend, not good enough, a follower.

I would like to be a person that changes the world for the better and someone who helps those who have struggled like me.

I am so happy and feel so blessed to have been able to be here and get helped. Okay, so there is this guy here named Mark and he really turns me on lol. He is such a bad a so it turns me on lol. Okay so we played checkers and he asked me to sit with him. No way am I going to try to like him or have a relationship but it is fun to have a little romance in here. We all just played Apples to Apples and it was really fun.

There is such a stereotype for the people in here. Every person that I have met in here has been so sweet. Everyone in here is just having a hard time. Everyone here has such a sweet heart towards me. Everyone has been welcoming and we all have a really cool bond. I got the girl’s Instagram’s so I am excited to be able to keep in touch with them. They are all such awesome strong girls. Eliza leaves here on Friday and goes to Boston for a month. I can tell that she is really sad, but she is trying to be strong and not show it.

During Apple’s to Apple’s, Mark and I kept letting Peter win and it made him so happy. It is the little things like that that prove that the people here are humans. We are all just having a hard time and need a little nudge.

The new kid Evan told us that he goes to high school near here and that he is gay…lol. I totally didn’t expect that because he is a huge guy with piercings. Idk…I guess you really can’t judge a book by it’s cover!

*Group Notes: I am strong, a good friend, a survivor, special to God, compassionate. I am good at fixing problems, dance, working hard, putting others first, being honest. I have accomplished/want to accomplish: got help and got healthy, won Nationals and 2 State competetions in dance, I want to help girls that have struggled like me, get into Auburn, become a OBGYN. Significant life event: going on mission trips. Name of one person that I love: Amy (mom).

Woah… Evan just said that he has 2 kids. I have so much going for me. Focus on the positive and not the tiny black dot (trauma). Do not give the black dot power. Mistakes do not define you. Perspective. See self as happy and not the trauma. Mistakes were a bad time, but do not make a bad person.

Okay well we just ate lunch and it was alright. Before lunch I had to take a urine sample. For lunch I ate pasta with red sauce and I was so hungry so I ate most of it. I also ate two cookies that idk what they were but they were good. I also had a banana and water. I feel like I have lost weight from being here so I guess that is good, the food just sucks here ha. When I was waiting for my urine sample, I talked to Evan and he said he goes by a nickname and that he is here because he tried to overdose. He was really nice, but surprisingly flirty considering that fact that he is gay lol. Oh well.

At lunch I sat with Amber, Eliza, Kim, and Alexa. Alexa was telling us how her step-dad raped her and her mom beat her. She also has been moving from state to state for the past 6 years. She has been going from psych hospital to psych hospital. It makes me so sad. She said that as soon as she turns 18, in a year, she is going to party hard and then hang herself. It breaks my heart and I hope and pray that she doesn’t go through with her plans. She was also saying that she had no reason to live and nothing to look forward to. That makes me so sad and so thankful for all that I have. My mom yesterday was naming things to help me look forward to and to be happy about getting out. She said things such as going to the Auburn game this weekend and getting to go to my uncle’s wedding next weekend. I have two huge fun events to look forward to that I took for granted. Alexa doesn’t even have a mom to look forward to seeing and she still smiles.

Being in here has made me so very thankful and I realize that this world is SO broken. I felt so alone. I thought that I was the only person my age that was dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, but now I can see that so many people are struggling and also people are struggling with so much worse. I am SO thankful that I had to come here. I appreciate everything so much more and I truly realize how blessed I am. I cannot express how much I love my parents and how amazing they have been.

In group we were talking about trauma and how it has effected us and what it means. I said that I am so glad that my trauma has happened because it is a new stepping stone. I needed to go through all of this crap so that I could/can help other’s and I have grown and learned so much in here. I would love to write a book or do some public speaking or really just anything that I can to help other people…if that is God’s plan for me. I really want to listen to God and do what he wants.

I also keep thinking about Haiti while I am in here. I am really excited to go hold all of those kids. I really super want to become a super awesome Christian girl and I want to glow with Jesus. I want to live for him and spread his love. I am so tired, I am gonna nap now :).

Well my nap didn’t happen because I couldn’t sleep ha. I put more vaseline on my face cause it is SO dry and then I went back to the front to get toothpaste and Mark was like, “Her (me) look,” and he showed me his hand and it was swollen and red because he had punched something because he got mad. He said he got mad at one of the nurses or something. I feel bad for him because his parents haven’t come to visit yet and he keeps asking to call home, but the time right now isn’t time when we are allowed to call. I haven’t called home once because my parents have come to every visitation, and I knew that if I called home it would just make me more sad. But right now I am doing so good.

I realized another reason why I made such a transformation, obviously God, but also my attitude. When I first got here I had a bad attitude and did not want to be here. I have slowly realized that this place is what you make it. I have been respectful and done everything I was supposed to do…therefore, I have gotten better faster and have been told that I get to go home tomorrow. I am so excited and thankful. The people that have been in here for so long are the ones who do not cooperate and who don’t really try to do better. I really started to focus on the positive and on getting better and I honestly feel so much better.

As of now, I want to graduate high school and do really well. I am so determined to study hard, focus and ask for help. Being in here as made me come out of my shell. After high school I want to go to college so badly. I was just thinking and I could totally become a gynecologist or a nurse and do mission work also. I could have my own practice here in Tennessee, but I could go a couple times a year and deliver babies around the world or care for people while spreading God’s word. That would be so amazing….but I will do whatever God decides.

I also just thought about how I do not want to cuss anymore and I want to work really hard to be a better Christian. Someways that I can do that are: getting more involved in church, reading my Bible, and actually really thinking and praying about what I read instead of just reading it super fast to say I did it. I also want my actions to show the change that I have made. I think that actions are the most important. I also want to do more things to help in my community such as animal shelters and volunteering. I want to also just randomly ask people if they are Christians so that I can spread the word. I feel so happy!!

“People that talk behind your back are behind you for a reason”-Alexa

Well my parents came and saw me and they were so excited that I get to come home tomorrow! I am so excited. After they left, I walked back into the group room and everyone was like “Hey Her!”. I made me really happy. We all just sat around and talked about random stuff. We then went to the gym. We (the girls) Kim, Amber, Eliza, and Alexa, all did squats and wall sits lol cause Eliza said she wanted to get a bigger butt. We then tried to do volleyball with everyone, but it didn’t work out because all the balls were flat lol. Then all of the girls went and sat on the side of the gym and we listened to Alexa tell us stuff. She said she has been to these types of hospitals or juvie for the last 6 years.

Pause: at gym, a boy named Zane, started to get really angry and was screaming and going to kick the walls and stuff and one of the guys on staff had to tackle him down on the ground.

Okay back to Alexa. She was also telling us about how one time she was in a facility and she and her girl room mate had sex and they got caught and had to sleep in the hallway, and then they did it in the hallway in front of everyone! What the actual. They then got in even more trouble so Alexa got her girlfriend to pull the sprinkler system thing and the whole building on the inside got covered in tar. Alexa then got mad and fought someone. Her girlfriend went to juvie and Alexa got sent to another center. At this center, she and her girls on her hall hated the staff, so they started a riot, and Alexa beat a guys head in. She then got sent to juvie and got in more fights. When she was free, she got really drunk at a party with her sister and her sister’s girlfriend. Her sister and her girlfriend wanted to do stuff…so Alexa said she would drive so that they could do stuff in the backseat. Alexa heard the cops behind her and sped away across a bridge and hit a cop car. She got sent back to juvie. She also told us about a place that she stayed at that a guy set on fire and she had to jump out the window and broke her leg in 3 places. She was also telling us that she has done cocaine, heroine, meth, and that her nerves are screwed up from that. She also messed the nerves up in her arm from so much cutting. Her left arm is covered in scars. She also said that the first time she had oral sex, she threw up on the guy. Alexa also said that she still hurts herself in here. She cuts her legs with the shampoo bottles by breaking the plastic and she olds ice and salt in her hand so that she has small burn marks on her hand. She has gone through so much, it makes me so sad for her. Idk if I already said this, but Alexa said that once she turns 18, she wants to get out of the facility and party hard and then hang herself. Me and the girls all tried to tell her positive things that she could look forward to and to not kill herself, but she doesn’t care.

After the gym, we were supposed to have free time, but all that with Zane happened and he was freaking out in our hallway, so none of us could go down there. We all just sat in the group room. We could hear his screaming and the sounds of the doctors trying to pin him down. We listened to music from the TV and talked to try to drown out the noises. Me, Kim, and Eliza then did the cup song from the movie Pitch Perfect and made everyone smile. We then just sat around and,

Pause: During group just now, Evan said that he talked to ghosts and loved the taste of blood, and that he is a gay stripper and prostitute…Mark said that he loved the sight of blood.

Continued: then we went to dinner and that was fine. We then came back up and had free time so I just wrote and then went to group. This big guy led group and he did a really good job. We talked about how we need to deal with our problems before they get bad. I was really open and happy. I just remembered this. Alexa led our group before dinner and she just talked about how we need to be the best person that we can be. Anyways… after group is now. Me, Amber, Eliza, and Kim are all sitting on a bench waiting for our parents!

Okay so our parents came and I was so excited to see my parents and Shane! We just talked and it was fun. They brought me Subway and it was super yummy.

We then went to the gym and the lady that was in charge of us made us be active, so I just walked around and bounced a flat basketball. ha. It was boring. I was waiting in line for the bathroom and Evan came by and touched my stomach. ha. It was so weird, yet I sorta liked it. I think I just like the attention lol. I haven’t had boy attention in a while so I guess that is why. I really want a boy to talk to me. ha. or boy attention. I know that seems so desperate, but it is true. ha.

Anyways, I had to move rooms again and I am with Amber and that is good! She is so sweet. After shower, I went to the group room and we (Eliza, Kim, Evan, Mark, and Peter) all hung out and we ate fruit loops and watched TV and played hang man… Well we tried to, but the people watching us told us that we weren’t allowed to call it “hang man”…we had to call it “build a man” and we couldn’t draw the thing that you would draw the hang man on…the stand?… or whatever. Like what the heck hahaha. Nikki came into the group room and asked if we could talk and we did and it was amazing. We talked about God mostly and she made me so happy. We prayed and it was so nice. I am now in my room with Amber and I am going to pray with her when lights out comes. Okay nighty night! Last night here! Thank you so much Lord! So much! I love you and please continue to use me! Wait jk… idk if i wrote this, but I gave Mark and Amber and Eliza a Jesus Calling book and it made me so happy and I hope that God uses that to bring them closer to him! Okay now goodnight!

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