November 4, 2014

*Names of the persons mentioned are still changed, and this blog post and the proceeding blogs with dates as the title are word for word from my journal that I kept in the psychiatric hospital.

I am in a hell hole. I got admitted to the psychiatric hospital and this place is a piece of sh**. I hate this place so much, and I want to go home. On Sunday I went to Brody’s and drank so much to kill myself. I woke up the next day in the hospital and now I am in a f****** crazy house. I am so upset, I just keep crying. I miss my parents so much, and I want to go home. I woke up and some lady took, my blood and I had to pee in a cup. I then went to breakfast and to group where we all just talked about our feelings. I then went and talked to a doctor here and got my vitals taken. This place is a f****** prison and I want to go home. I have to participate and s*** in order to please these f****** so that I can go home. I f****** hate Tyler for making me this upset and putting me in this place. I cannot stress enough how much this place sucks. This is HELLLLL!!!!

I just prayed and talked to a nurse here named Nina and I feel amazing. I feel so happy. I feel completely changed and free. God literally took all of my pain and anxiety away. I have never felt so happy in my whole life. I was talking to my roommate, Eliza, and to guys named Mark and Peter about God and Eliza and Mark were not religious. Eliza just said she didn’t have any religion. She is in here for cutting and suicide. She has curly red hair, green eyes, and small teeth. She is really skinny and really nice. She just found out that she has to go to residential, which is in Boston for at least a month. I feel so sorry for her. Mark is in here because he hears voices in his head. He has long blonde hair and small blue eyes. His teeth are small and kind of crooked. He said he didn’t believe in any religion because he said that it was only for coping. That broke my heart. Peter is in here because he has really bad depression and he hears voices. He seems kind of messed up, as in he cannot talk that well and is big and loopy. He has short brown hair and a lot of acne. He told us that he tried to stab himself in the neck and that he cut off his own finger. It looks like a weird numb. I talked to him about God and he mumbled about how he prays at night and that he does have God. That makes me happy. When I first got here last night I was so scared and upset. I cried so much and was so mad that I had to be here. I took a shower and my mom was allowed to stay with me for a little bit. I got in bed and my mom rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I was woken up this morning by a nurse who made me pee in a cup and took my blood. I went back to sleep for a little bit and was woken up again and went down to breakfast. They herd us around like freaking animals. For breakfast I had nasty plain grits, grapes, a banana, and fruit loops. That was fine I guess. I then went to group with all the kids here with me. Everyone just shared their stories and they were all so sad. It really made me realize how amazing my life is. Most of these kids have depression, voices in their heads, or have tried to commit suicide. Our leader of the group was such a jerk. We then had free time, but I was on eyesight which means a doctor or a staff person has to go with you everywhere and we had to sit in the group room. I just cried and watched TV and wrote out some feelings. We then went to the gym with this gay doctor. The gym was freezing and dark. It was carpet and was really depressing…which is ironic. This whole place is depressing and the staff are rude. My consolers and Nikki have been nice, but most of the staff look down on us as if we are crazy people. It really pisses me off because before I came in here they made it seem so amazing, but that was all an act. Anyways, during the gym time the gay guy made us do yoga. ha. It was really dumb and he didn’t even teach us the right stuff. The guys stood in the back and watched and it made me feel so uncomfortable because I had to put my butt in the air. ha. So after yoga, we went back to the group room and we meditated or some crap. I’ve been trying so hard to participate because that will show the doctors that I am okay and go home. After that we had free time and I just sat ha. Then I went to lunch. The chicken was so cold and nasty that I couldn’t even eat it. I ate grapes and cookies. After lunch, I found Nikki and we sat and talked and I told her about how I feel really good which is the truth. I honestly prayed and I can feel that God lifted all of my pain and forgave me. I feel like a new Annabelle and very motivated to do life how God wants me to and I really want to serve him and do whatever I can for him. After I talked to Nikki I went back into the group room and soon after my parents showed up. I was so happy and we went to my room. I told them what I told Nikki and they were very proud of me. I cried a lot though because I missed them so much and because I want to go home so badly. I fell asleep because my mom was rubbing my back. I then felt a little bit better and then I went into group and we just talked more about feelings. One guy really freaked me out because he was talking about how he missed cutting himself and the blood dripping down his arm. He also talked about how he hurt animals and that broke my heart and scared me. That is one of the first signs of a serial killer. Well I just ate dinner and now I have a new roommate named Jessi and she is so nice. We are in our room now for reflection time. Now I am in group again. My new room has writing on the window that says “Help” and “F*** the system” and “this place is hell” and more stuff. I could not agree more. Me and Jessi were talking about how much this place sucks so much. A new girl just came in named Kim and we tried to be really nice to her. My friends (basically just the girls that are here) ha, are Eliza, Amber- she is a little big, with short blonde hair with brown underneath, and she’s really cool. She is in here for suicide attempts also. Another girl is Alexa-she is a big mixed girl with really short hair. She has been here for 25 days…that makes me want to die. ha. That would suck. Emily- she hears voices and laughs all the time. She is scary. Kim- she just came in. She has brown hair and tried to overdose, she seems really nice. I can’t remember if there are any other girls. Oh yeah… a black girl named Candace is here. She is really nice. I feel really happy right now. I let myself have fun with the girls at dinner and I feel even better. It’s really cool to be around girls that are struggling too. After dinner my parents and Shane came to visit me. We sat in my bed and it was so good to see them. Shane cuddled with me and it was super cute. I am so excited to see them at home. After the visitation we all went to the gym and me and Eliza, Amber, Kim, Jessi, and Candace sat on a table in the gym and talked. It was just normal girl talk and not about being sad. We talked about boys and hair and makeup lol. I gave Eliza my Jesus Calling. I really hope she gets impacted by it. After gym we went and took showers. We all then went to the group room and watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Oh I totally just remembered, before visitation we had group with a guy named Lance and it was so fun. We all just laughed and talked about life and it was fun. Anyways, back to watching the movie, we all ate snacks. I had fruit loops and a Rice Krispy treat. We then went to bed. I had an awful nightmare about having to stay in this hell hole forever. I woke up dripping in sweat.

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