Humans Cannot Provide Enough

As you can probably tell, I pretty much say what is on my mind. The first few weeks of school were honestly amazing. I am getting really involved in my church and have been working to get closer to God. I was so happy and each day was exciting rather than something I had to get done. I was legit in love (okay maybe not actually) with this guy at my church. Not gonna lie, he had a big part in me wanting to get more involved. Maybe I started for the wrong reasons, but whatever. I got there. Anyways, so I truly had no idea that he was talking to someone, obviously pretty seriously because now they are dating. Y’all….I was shooketh when I saw the Instagram post. I had a mini panic attack and a huge glass of wine. I had made up our entire life in my head, which is so creepy, but whatever. I felt like I got broken up with. Could I be more dramatic. I mean honestly. But that’s how I felt. I had to mute him on Instagram because seeing him and her triggered something deep in me. Yeah I wish I was that girl, but really the root of my stress was not from him at all. I barely know the kid, no way he could actually hurt me. He never belonged to me. I was just a creepy crusher.

It took me a few days, but I kept praying. “Why the heck am I so upset over this guy that I have spoken to only a few times?” and it hit me. My OG subscribers should know where this is going. All of my feelings of my one and only boyfriend betraying me and getting with one of my friends. Bingo.

Betrayal. Feeling not good enough. Seeing another girl with the guy I wanted. Feeling alone. Feeling pushed to the side.

Even though this poor boy had no idea I was so obsessed (and hopefully never finds out. wow that would be embarrassing) I put him on a pedestal as a way for me to not hurt. I thought if I had this perfect Christian guy then I would be a great Christian and so happy and so goals and blah blah blah. I was looking to him to provide for me. HELLO! Some random boy at church cannot provide for me. Even if we dated, he still couldn’t. No earthly human, especially not a boy, can provide to me what I need. This boy cannot stitch up my heart and make me feel confident. The only person that can make me whole again is Jesus. Jesus can fill every need I can ever imagine, and I pushed Him to the back burner. Just a mere accessory in my beautiful, perfect thought out plan. It really sucks that I did that, but thank Jesus for everlasting forgiveness.

This might be a stretch, but maybe just maybe Jesus allowed me to have my mini obsession as a way to get me into the church. I have a bad history of always thinking I need a boy to complete me and make me whole. Where did I look? Bars, frat houses, Instagram, literally anywhere. Maybe Jesus used this sweet boy as a pawn because He knew I’d follow. Now I am involved in the college team at church. Paid a deposit, not really trying to lose that money. I know Jesus has a sense of humor because I fell for the beautiful, muscular path He paved. Good one, Jesus. Well played.

I was kind of mad at Jesus at first. Can’t lie. “Why the heck am I going to church then if I am only going to see my dream bae cuddled up to another girl?” Stop it right there. Church isn’t a breeding ground…it’s a place to worship and serve Jesus. I had it all wrong and boy has my perspective flipped.

Now that all of my feelings of high school hurt I so neatly shoved into a dark hole have come to surface I now have those to deal with. Jesus is showing me that shoving feelings away doesn’t make it better. I truly am a Queen at that, but I have to change that.

Though this sucks, it is just another stepping stone on getting to the girl that Jesus made for me. I will reach my full potential in Him. I have a heck of a long way to go, but I can already tell I have matured from high school because I was able to recognize this problem was not about some boy at church, but about me.

I really prefer to not talk about feelings and show weakness to friends, so I am going to find a counselor around my college to unpack my dark shadows. Prayers appreciated. Let’s see how it goes…

xo,

Her

Three Years Young

I am an hour late on the blog post, but I have been studying for finals like a mad woman trying to mask the pain of today.

You would’ve been three yesterday little one. I think about you everyday, but a lot today. I keep trying to picture what you would look like. What would my life be like if I had a three year old? Life would be pretty crazy.

I know that you were too beautiful for Earth and that I have the best guardian angel. I bet you are hanging out with DeeDee. I know y’all are having the best time together.

I am so glad you are happy and with Jesus. I love you so much little one. I’ll see you someday. Happy Third.

The Phone Call

Let me first say, I feel so happy. The call I received last night was one that I had been praying for. I have been struggling so much with wanting to be better. I have been craving God, but pushing Him to the side. I have the right intentions, but I let myself do wrong. I feel worse because I know what is right and still choose to do wrong. I have been praying so hard for a sign. A sign that would give me the extra push that I needed.

Last night I was at a bookstore looking for a book on bettering my relationship with Jesus. While I was there I was Snapchatting a guy that I have known for around two years, but our relationship was never more than a few Snapchats every so often. He was asking what I was looking for and I told him. This led to him asking if he could call me. He called and I am so thankful that he did.

We talked for an hour and 5 minutes about Jesus. My heart was bursting the whole time because I knew that Jesus set this up. Jesus was answering my prayer and giving me the push that I needed. I needed the reasurannce from a real person. Someone who wasn’t standing on stage in front of me at church. This boy talked to me as the real him. He told me the messy parts of his life and how Jesus had saved him. I don’t think he realizes how much it meant to me that he was so raw. I needed to hear that someone else was messy like me and could still be saved by Jesus. I have always known that Jesus could cleanse us, but to see first hand that Jesus really can take away all sin was amazing.

I know the journey I have in front of me is going to be really freaking hard, but MY God can do anything. I know that Jesus is with me and I can feel Him squeezing me extra tight. I know that I can be better and live my life for Jesus. I know I will mess up at some point, but MY God can cleanse me again.

I ask for prayers as I embark on this journey of becoming the best daughter of the King I can be. Thank you, Jesus for the sign that I needed. I am filled to the very tip top with joy.

Another Year Passes

September 29 comes and goes just as last year, and the year before, and the year before. I was dreading this day, as I always do. I haven’t really told people at school, so I knew I would suffer in silence. That’s fine though. I do not like when people feel sorry for me. This Friday was the first time I missed class this year. I could not get myself out of bed. Did not have the energy to put on a pleasant face. I stayed in bed all day. I had lit candles and had soup delivered. My dog was my companion. I cried a lot and listened to my song that I only listen to on this day.

I am as in shock as I was the day this happened. Why the heck did God let this happen to me? I get the whole “God will only give you what you ca handle”, but I don’t want to handle this. I’m sure God will use my pain for good eventually, but in the moment it sucks. As I wallowed in my pain Friday, I kept thinking of how this will effect relationships in the future. I could be dramatic, but I have zero hope that I will find someone good. Every time I have found someone I thought was different, I got screwed over.

I recently joined a small group for single college girls. I always walk away with deep thoughts. I feel way too used for someone to want me. All the good, Christian guys will be drawn to the good, pure, Christian girls. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am a messy one with a difficult past. This seems ridiculous, I am only 19, but this is the season of life I am stepping into. Everyone on my social media is getting engaged or has a boyfriend. It makes me feel bad ha ha ha. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.

This went on a tangent that I was not trying to go to. Oh well. Hopefully, tonight I will get a positive attitude about all of this.

And Again…

I wonder why I have such bad trust issues until I get hurt again because stupid me let someone in. I’m laying in my bed crying and typing because I do not want to spiral back into my old habits of self harm. I once again was stupid and let a boy crush my heart again. I tried to play the whole thing off ever since we started talking. If I acted like I didn’t care to others then maybe I couldn’t get hurt. It doesn’t make sense, but I was trying to protect myself. I told this boy deep stuff and trusted him. I really felt like I had found someone good. If I had a dollar for every time I said that… I really do not understand why this continues to happen to me, but I can’t put up with it much longer.

My biggest fear is abandonment and once again my fear smacked me in the face. I do not know what is so wrong with me, but something is and I realize that I need to be alone. I have no hope of a husband or a boy to walk into my life and not screw me over. I guess this was just not meant for me. I am too broken to be loved.

Happy Two Years In Heaven

I am honestly really disappointed in myself for letting such an important day go by. The stress of finals and pulling all nighters caused me to get my days mixed up. Tuesday, May 2 was my angel baby’s second “birthday” in Heaven. Because I am not at home I did not get to do my normal routine of spending the day, but I will make up for it when I get home. My life is so different than it was two years ago. I wish my angel was here, but it is a huge blessing that the toxic boy in my life will never be in it again. I doubt he even knows or cares about what May 2 was.

I think about you every.single.day little one. I know you are always watching me and you are my tiny guardian angel. I will celebrate you living in paradise as soon as I get home.

Love you always.

xo,

Her

13 Reasons Why

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve been sticking to old fashioned pen and paper lately, but I think this needs to be out in the inter web. I just finished the new Netflix show called “13 Reasons Why” and it hit me really hard. Throughout the entire first season I was just interested. I didn’t think much about me or my past. The last episode really stabbed. I know how Hannah feels. I felt all the things that she was saying in her tapes. Throughout the episodes I felt a little closer to Hannah, but didn’t want to think about it relating to me. In the last episode it is revealed that Hannah is raped. That was the first piece that really hit me because I know how she felt “empty” and like it was her fault. Not gonna lie I cried a little. But I kept watching.

At the end when Hannah slits her own wrists and dies in her bathtub, I felt actually sick. I thought I was going to vomit. All of the emotions that I haven’t allowed to surface for a while came up at once. I have been exactly where Hannah was. I am so thankful that I was stronger than her and was never successful. My heart hurts for this fictional character because I know that thousands of “Hannah’s” are walking around every high school and I want it to stop.

I hope that girls will see this show and realize that they do not need to suffer in silence like Hannah did. I hope school counselors see this and realize that their job is so important and must be taken very seriously.

I know this is a jumble of thoughts, but this entire blog is a jumble. I just felt so strongly about this and I needed to get it out. I still feel sick, but I am so thankful that I survived.