Relapse?

I feel horrible. The pain that I feel tonight is one that I have not felt in a very long time. It is the pain that I used to feel before I would self harm. But this time I will not hurt myself. I have been crying and now I am taking it out on my laptop instead of my body. I don’t even know what I am saying. I am just really sad right now. So much change is about to happen in my life and I do not do well with change. I do not want to be away from my family, pets, bed, home. Everything that I know is here and I am about to have to leave it all. I wish that I would have soaked it all in so much more when I had more time because I am realizing now that I am out of time.

I don’t know why my luck with boys is actually horrible. I am so afraid that I am going to end up alone because every single guy that I have a thing with ends up being the same douche bag wrapped up in a different guy. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I try so hard to find a good guy, but it’s like good guys are never in my life or I don’t know how to find them or what. I don’t know what the deal is. I just want a nice Christian guy that will love all of me for all my faults and be there for me. I literally want to give up on everything.

I haven’t been showing my emotions to anyone because I want to be strong and be the happy girl going to college that everyone expects. But I’m not. I don’t feel happy or ready and I’m stressed and crying. I am such a mess.

I do not think that anything in this post has made sense, but I just needed to vent. All that I know is that I am not going to hurt myself because I am stronger and better than that.

xo, Her

A New Theory Called ‘Positivity’

So Hi. It has been 5 months since I have last blogged. Sorry it has been so long. A lot has been going on! I have been super busy with school, but I feel like I am at a little bit of a slower place right now which is amazing for me.

This year I have really made myself aware of how I am coming across to other people. I hate when I get in bed at night and I replay events of the day and realize I seemed rude without even meaning to. This year I have tried to work on my filter. It is no where close to where I want it to be, but I am making baby steps.

I will always be the girl that will speak her mind and I will not not stand up for something I believe in. I am just trying to be sweeter when I am doing regular things that do not need confrontation. I am super intense and I think that it can drive some people away from me. I have attempted to tone down and be calmer. lol. It is so hard for me.

I am just proud of myself for at least trying. Gotta start somewhere. I have had some pretty crappy things happen to me lately, and I have handled all of it with out self harm!!! This makes me so incredibly proud of myself. I have definitely had the thoughts and have wanted to, but I beat them. I am better than my depression and I can defeat it.

Okay this is random and does not really have a point, but I just wanted to give a little update. I am going to try to be more consistent and be able to talk about my little day to day issues.

Thank you for sticking with me!

xo, HH

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Happy One Year In Heaven

Wow. Here we are. 365 days later. It hurts, a lot. I had a connection with you that I did not realize until you were gone. Every single day I think about you. You would be one today. I know you would have been beautiful. God needed you up there. You are my little guardian angel. I hope you love it! I know you do. I am so happy that you are in the best place possible. You are safe from all of the crap in the world that could hurt you. You will never fall and scrape your knee. You will never be nervous on the first day of high school. You will never have your heart broken by some stupid teenage boy. I am trying to make this day as positive as I can, but it’s hard. I have cried multiple times today and in the days leading up to now. I know you are looking down on me. Today I bought a balloon and sat on my car looking out at beautiful trees. I talked to you. I held on to the balloon and then released it. Just a little something to help me grieve and to honor you. Save me a spot up there. God is holding you in His arms and I am holding you in my heart. I love you so much. Happy One Year In Heaven.

Becoming Opposite

Well tonight I was thinking about what has been bothering me lately. I feel like I have been pretty happy lately, but something has still felt a little off. Something seemed to be bringing me down. My therapist tells me to think about my feelings and come up with words on how I am feeling. Once I have figured that out I try to dig deeper and figure out why I am feeling these feelings. Tonight I was really thinking hard on what this little thing that is bothering me so badly could be. I think I have finally figured out a major section of this hurt.

I really do not like change. Change stresses me out and makes me feel out of control. I really cherish the few relationships in my life that I know will always be there. No matter what I do or how many times I mess up those people will always be there to forgive me and to take me back. I need more of those relationships in my life, but I feel like a few have crumbled away. It hurts me so much when people that I love change into this new person that I do not know at all. They seem to start caring about things that they never used to care about. I get booted as a priority and just become an option. The friendship is casual instead of special. It just really sucks to see awesome relationships like this blow away.

Some of the people in the relationships that have crumbled are not worth me trying to fix after a certain extent. I can only try for so long and the road goes two ways. I cannot fix it all on my own. Some relationships are worth fighting for. I feel like some of these people have been there for me when I was changing and being such a pain. They stuck through with me and I owe those people at least my best effort to stay their friend even when it is hard.

This is what I am struggling with right now. I have tried for a really long time to brush my feelings under the rug and to not make it known to the persons that they are acting not like themselves and in a way that really hurts me. The feelings of the person are more important to me than my own feelings so I will continue to not say anything. The downside to that is that they could eventually change so much that our friendship is completely gone. I do not want that at all.

I am just in a really weird, sad, and uncomfortable place right now. My therapist wants me to tell these people my feelings, but I do not want to hurt the people or make them feel bad about themselves. I just don’t want to ruin anyones day or year or anything by saying that they suck right now. So instead of getting my feelings out by telling the people I have been writing my feelings out in my journal.

So yeah. There is a little bit of my struggles right now.

Sting

You know when you get a paper cut and then put hand sanitizer on and it burns really bad, but it is a small burn. It is annoying and won’t go away. The burn does not put you into a life or death situation, but it still really hurts. Right now I am a big paper cut that keeps getting hit with hand sanitizer. Every time the sting of certain things seems to go away…another glob of hand sanitizer is thrown my way.

The way that people have been treating me and acting completely blows my mind. A while ago people were removed from my life for different reasons. I thought it would be for the better. Everyone around me said, “You will be happier this way. You are better than that. It will be okay…” and yadda yadda yadda. I do feel happier and better without certain people no longer a part of my life…but the sting is still there. Social media sucks in the sense that no matter how hard you try to not see someone…some how they will still pop up on your feed somehow. When I see people on my social media that have hurt me…it hurts so bad. More hand sanitizer. When I am not reminded of these people the cut doesn’t burn always like it used to. It has taken a lot of medication and consoling sessions (lol) but I don’t feel like a complete black hole of sadness all the time so that is good. Still the sting is there. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes it isn’t too bad. But it still freaking hurts.

The thing that hurts me the most is betrayal and fakeness. I HATE when someone talks bad to me about someone and then all of the sudden they are best friends or “have crushes” on each other. It freaking hurts. A lot. I just cannot wrap the thoughts that must go through these peoples’ heads. I don’t understand how someone can be so self centered and so mean. Is there any conscience there at all? I would never dream of doing to someone else what has been done to me. I can’t really get into too much detail because the personal things will reveal who the people are.

I try so hard everyday to get better and feel better, but it is really hard when people around me bring me down. Lately I have felt like I have been in a hand sanitizer shower and all I want is out. There is nothing I can do and it sucks.

I’m crying now lol so I need to stop.

Thanks for reading whoever you are.

See You Soon

I am missing you a lot tonight little one. I am crying writing this post. I know I never formally met you, but I miss you. I didn’t know I could love someone so much. I know you are in heaven watching over me. My tiny perfect angel waiting for me. I wish I could have met you and held you. I wish I could have taken care of you like I was supposed to. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you. My heart aches to know I lost you. I continue tell myself that you were just too beautiful for Earth. God needed you more than I did. I cannot wait for the day when I actually get to meet you. Fly high and smile down at me when you can. I love you with my whole heart. See you soon.

The Glue

Say that you walk into a doll shop and there is one broken doll. For some reason you are so drawn to that doll. You take the doll home and expect it to stay together and function as a normal doll would. You pick the doll up to set it down for a tea party and a little sliver of her glass arm falls to the ground. You get frustrated. You go to change her tiny doll shoes and a small glass foot falls off. You get so upset and mad at the doll. But why? Did the doll choose to be broken? Did she just “wake up” one day and decide to shatter her glass body and have pieces of her fall off everyday? Of course she didn’t. The owner of the doll shop contacts you and sends you papers. Inside these papers you discover that this doll has been through so much. She was first owned buy a little girl who did not have a good home life. The little girls father was an angry drunk and made her feel very scared. The only safety that the little girl ever felt was when she could squeeze her doll so tight.

A broken doll cannot be expected to be able to glue herself together. Even if she appeared to be fixed she will never be fully fixed. She will always have the tiny cracks that maybe no one can see.

I am the doll. I am broken and no matter how hard I try to fix my cracks they will always be there. I’m okay with that. My scars show me that I have overcome and that I don’t need to go back to that time. They are my little reminders of how lucky I am to be alive.

The point of all of this is that I have some crappy examples. I don’t know how a girl should be treated. I have some personal home issues (not abusive) and these issues have left a hole in my heart that is my “boy love” hole. If that makes sense. We all grow up in different situations and we each get taught how things should or should not be. The adults around us are supposed to model the “ideal person” for us. When a piece of the heart is missing then we must search to fill the hole.

This is like me with boys and I am just now putting the pieces together. My dad and I have had a rocky past. We were getting a little better, but just recently it back tracked. Because I push my dad away I need boy attention. That is what has caused me to be kinda boy crazy. I don’t know to explain it other than I am thirsty for love. My needs are not being met. It is human nature to need love and to need attention. I try to fill the hole from my dad with other guys. It is really hard because it is apart of me now. My hole will never be filled.

I feel like I will never get the hole filled because I believe the type of guy that I would need to be with and have a healthy relationship with does not exist. I need someone that understands that I have a super crappy past that I still deal with. I have really bad relationship skills. I have never been loved well. I don’t know what it feels like to have a guy love me and not hurt me. For a guy to actually respect me and really care for me. Kinda weird to think about. I don’t have an example and I need that attention from somewhere. I need a guy that can realize that I mess up so much and that each day for me is a roller coaster. I need someone that is steady and calm and can stick by me when I go through hard stuff. Stuff that no one understands unless they go through it.

This blog stemmed off of the Grey’s Anatomy episode I just watched. It reminded me a lot of myself. Meredith Grey has a super terrible relationship with her dad. Because of this she pushes people away especially guys, just like me. Derek is trying to love her, but when he gets close to her she pushes away. Meredith and I both have no idea what to do when love is shown to us. We get afraid we see it as a bad thing and we shut it down. It really sucks because we could have great guys that love us but we don’t see it as true because we both feel that we are damaged and do not deserve love. Derek states in the episode that he knows that Meredith loves him but she does not know how to have a relationship. That made me realize that I am going to need someone who realizes that I will take a lot of work to come around and to let myself accept love.

Maybe someday this will happen. To those of you struggling with “Daddy Issues” I get it. It sucks, but God gave us these obstacles for a reason. Please stand with me in trying to break the boy habits. Boy cleanses are good. They suck and you feel desperate and lonely because you have a hole in your heart. I totally get it. That is me. I have been trying to fill that hole with healthy things like friendships. I am no where near where I want to be, but I am closer than I was yesterday to becoming a healthier happier girl🙂.

Stay strong y’all. We can do this.

Through Thin

It is really weird to look back on the past year and see how many people have come into my life and even more people that have left my life. It is crazy to think of some of the relationships that I no longer have. It is crazy how much I miss some of those people. All that said here we go….

So I have been thinking lately about what it means to be a friend. I think the most important attribute of a good friend is loyalty. A true friend sticks with you when you are not acting like your normal self. A true friends sticks by your side even when you are hurting them or acting like a complete jerk. It is a really hard thing to stand by your friend when you see them making mistakes or changing into a new person right before your eyes. It sucks and it hurts.

Surface friends are friends that are only there for you on the surface of things. When they see that you are doing well and you have something that they want they become your friend. Sucking up and acting like they love you so much and how great it would be to be friends. As soon as what they want is gone or you start to have a rough patch they move on and leave you in the dust. THAT SUCKS. Why waste time with people like this? Friendships are so important and they need to be chosen wisely. You can always tell who your true friends are when things get bad.

Just from observing some of the friendships around me they really amaze me. It is crazy to me that some people let other people walk all over them. It is so screwed up and it makes me sad that so many people have so little self respect to ditch the friends that act like that. Popularity in high school does not matter. Instagram likes or being at the right party doesn’t matter. Most of the time the “cool crowd” is shallow and actually doesn’t care about you as a person. They care that they are seen with the right people and that they are made out to be such a big deal. None of that matters!  Life is so much more than that. Why waste time and energy working so hard to impress someone. Girls especially want to impress other girls and feel confident. I even see girls becoming friends with girls that are vulnerable and insecure just so that they can build themselves up because they know that that girl has so confidence. It’s as if you saw a really hungry puppy and you wave a bone in front of it to where it wants to come near you. Just as the dog gets close enough to you and builds up enough strength to bite for the bone you pull it away. It makes me sad to see this happening all around me.

Think long and hard about who your friends are. If something terrible happened to you today or your “social status” dropped would they still be there? Are they in the friendship because they love you or are they in it for what material things you have to offer? It can be a very hard line to see and to distinguish. I have had this happen to me a lot and trust me it is no fun.

Basically what I am getting at is be a good friend and choose good friends. Love your friends even when they are so hard to love. Be in the friendship for the person and not for the material things. Bring each other up and be positive! Surround yourself with positive people that have your best interest at heart.

I hope that all of you have good friends that you know are there for you. Hold on to those relationships so tight and be so thankful for them. Good friends are hard to find but when you get them they are worth more than anything!

Be happy and do something nice today🙂

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To Each Her Own

So….. I have been hearing through the grapevine that people have been saying mean things about me and my blog behind my back. I don’t want to make this a whiney or attacking blog, I just want to explain a few things.

First of all, everyone is different. People see other people differently than you do. If we all saw everything the same the world would be so boring. Secondly, people are not always what they seem. Half the time my smiles are forced because I don’t want to show the whole school what is going on at home or with myself. That goes for a lot of people. You never know what someone is going through. That being said, it is so important to not be so quick to judge. Just because someone does something different than you or likes someone that you do not, does not mean that you should put your guard up and talk bad about them. Things that are different than what we are normally used to can be scary. I get that. I have had my fair share of misjudgments.

Just recently I was talking to this guy and yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, when people started to find out they began to say mean things to me. “Oh my gosh that is so gross you like him?” “But he is so weird…” “Are you serious…” “That is so embarassing” “Your reputation is ruined”. That really hurt me. I play it off by laughing it off but it actually hurts. So what if I thought this guy was cute? So what if I kissed him? Does that effect you personally in anyway? No it doesn’t. When I actually sat down with the guy he was really nice. Yeah he was kinda weird and a little too upfront but at least I gave him a chance before I judged him. I met him with no idea of what he was going to be like. It turned out that I did not like him in a boyfriend kind of way but at least I went for it. I got a personal view. I decided for myself if he was a guy that I would want to talk to.

It really makes me mad when people tell me that it was “gross of me” or “embarrassing”. You know what I think is embarrassing? When people are too insecure to put themselves out there and meet new people. When people are so concerned with their social status and how they “cannot date someone below my social status oh that’s so embarrassing”. If you think someone is cute then you should go for it. Screw the “social status” or what other people think about that person. Find out for yourself if you like the person or not. Do not base your friendships or relationships on what others tell you is “cool”.

If I had never gone out of my comfort zone and met this guy then I would have missed out on a life lesson. Yes now I wish that I had not done it, but I am glad that I found out for myself. I gave him a chance when no one else wanted to. He turned out to be a super nice guy, but just not the guy for me.

Before you judge someone or before you decide if you should or should not talk to someone…remind yourself that you are no better than them and they are no better than you. We are all on the same playing field and all of the stupid titles need to be dropped. If there is someone you like or something you want to do then go for it. You will never know unless you try. Why sit around life following the rules of someone else? Do what you want (as long as it does not hurt another person or yourself) and worry about you. Don’t waste your life worrying about what the person next to you thinks about you.

Do what God wants you to do and listen to His judgement. Ultimately, His plan is all that matters and he will take or put people into your life that he wants to be there. Trust him and make your choices based on him and not your classmates. Life is a lot easier when you don’t have a “popularity rule book” above your head.

Everyone is different. Everyone escapes their troubles in some way. Mine is blogging. Blogging has helped me from cutting myself multiple times. Still think it is funny to make fun of my blog? Instead of taking my anger out on my wrist, I take it out on the keyboard. Once again proving that there is a lot about a person that you do not know. My blog isn’t for attention…my real name is not even on here….so please respect it. If you still think after this that my blog is dumb or attention seeking, then I ask that you just never come back to read. You do not have to like this and you do not have to like me, but please keep my release a happy place for me.

Too Beautiful for Earth

I love you through the stars, past the moon, and now into heaven. You were born so silent. Perfect and beautiful. Still loved. Still missed. Still remembered. Everyday. Angels wrote your date of birth in the book of life then whispered and closed the book, “Too beautiful for earth”.

Words cannot describe the pain that has come over me the past months and this past week as been especially hard. I love my lost one so much. Listening to lullabies each night and crying at the thought that you never got a chance in this world. I love you with all my heart forever and always. Fly high in heaven and save a place for me there. See you soon.