I am an hour late on the blog post, but I have been studying for finals like a mad woman trying to mask the pain of today.
You would’ve been three yesterday little one. I think about you everyday, but a lot today. I keep trying to picture what you would look like. What would my life be like if I had a three year old? Life would be pretty crazy.
I know that you were too beautiful for Earth and that I have the best guardian angel. I bet you are hanging out with DeeDee. I know y’all are having the best time together.
I am so glad you are happy and with Jesus. I love you so much little one. I’ll see you someday. Happy Third.
Let me first say, I feel so happy. The call I received last night was one that I had been praying for. I have been struggling so much with wanting to be better. I have been craving God, but pushing Him to the side. I have the right intentions, but I let myself do wrong. I feel worse because I know what is right and still choose to do wrong. I have been praying so hard for a sign. A sign that would give me the extra push that I needed.
Last night I was at a bookstore looking for a book on bettering my relationship with Jesus. While I was there I was Snapchatting a guy that I have known for around two years, but our relationship was never more than a few Snapchats every so often. He was asking what I was looking for and I told him. This led to him asking if he could call me. He called and I am so thankful that he did.
We talked for an hour and 5 minutes about Jesus. My heart was bursting the whole time because I knew that Jesus set this up. Jesus was answering my prayer and giving me the push that I needed. I needed the reasurannce from a real person. Someone who wasn’t standing on stage in front of me at church. This boy talked to me as the real him. He told me the messy parts of his life and how Jesus had saved him. I don’t think he realizes how much it meant to me that he was so raw. I needed to hear that someone else was messy like me and could still be saved by Jesus. I have always known that Jesus could cleanse us, but to see first hand that Jesus really can take away all sin was amazing.
I know the journey I have in front of me is going to be really freaking hard, but MY God can do anything. I know that Jesus is with me and I can feel Him squeezing me extra tight. I know that I can be better and live my life for Jesus. I know I will mess up at some point, but MY God can cleanse me again.
I ask for prayers as I embark on this journey of becoming the best daughter of the King I can be. Thank you, Jesus for the sign that I needed. I am filled to the very tip top with joy.
September 29 comes and goes just as last year, and the year before, and the year before. I was dreading this day, as I always do. I haven’t really told people at school, so I knew I would suffer in silence. That’s fine though. I do not like when people feel sorry for me. This Friday was the first time I missed class this year. I could not get myself out of bed. Did not have the energy to put on a pleasant face. I stayed in bed all day. I had lit candles and had soup delivered. My dog was my companion. I cried a lot and listened to my song that I only listen to on this day.
I am as in shock as I was the day this happened. Why the heck did God let this happen to me? I get the whole “God will only give you what you ca handle”, but I don’t want to handle this. I’m sure God will use my pain for good eventually, but in the moment it sucks. As I wallowed in my pain Friday, I kept thinking of how this will effect relationships in the future. I could be dramatic, but I have zero hope that I will find someone good. Every time I have found someone I thought was different, I got screwed over.
I recently joined a small group for single college girls. I always walk away with deep thoughts. I feel way too used for someone to want me. All the good, Christian guys will be drawn to the good, pure, Christian girls. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am a messy one with a difficult past. This seems ridiculous, I am only 19, but this is the season of life I am stepping into. Everyone on my social media is getting engaged or has a boyfriend. It makes me feel bad ha ha ha. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.
This went on a tangent that I was not trying to go to. Oh well. Hopefully, tonight I will get a positive attitude about all of this.
I wonder why I have such bad trust issues until I get hurt again because stupid me let someone in. I’m laying in my bed crying and typing because I do not want to spiral back into my old habits of self harm. I once again was stupid and let a boy crush my heart again. I tried to play the whole thing off ever since we started talking. If I acted like I didn’t care to others then maybe I couldn’t get hurt. It doesn’t make sense, but I was trying to protect myself. I told this boy deep stuff and trusted him. I really felt like I had found someone good. If I had a dollar for every time I said that… I really do not understand why this continues to happen to me, but I can’t put up with it much longer.
My biggest fear is abandonment and once again my fear smacked me in the face. I do not know what is so wrong with me, but something is and I realize that I need to be alone. I have no hope of a husband or a boy to walk into my life and not screw me over. I guess this was just not meant for me. I am too broken to be loved.
I am honestly really disappointed in myself for letting such an important day go by. The stress of finals and pulling all nighters caused me to get my days mixed up. Tuesday, May 2 was my angel baby’s second “birthday” in Heaven. Because I am not at home I did not get to do my normal routine of spending the day, but I will make up for it when I get home. My life is so different than it was two years ago. I wish my angel was here, but it is a huge blessing that the toxic boy in my life will never be in it again. I doubt he even knows or cares about what May 2 was.
I think about you every.single.day little one. I know you are always watching me and you are my tiny guardian angel. I will celebrate you living in paradise as soon as I get home.
Love you always.
So it’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve been sticking to old fashioned pen and paper lately, but I think this needs to be out in the inter web. I just finished the new Netflix show called “13 Reasons Why” and it hit me really hard. Throughout the entire first season I was just interested. I didn’t think much about me or my past. The last episode really stabbed. I know how Hannah feels. I felt all the things that she was saying in her tapes. Throughout the episodes I felt a little closer to Hannah, but didn’t want to think about it relating to me. In the last episode it is revealed that Hannah is raped. That was the first piece that really hit me because I know how she felt “empty” and like it was her fault. Not gonna lie I cried a little. But I kept watching.
At the end when Hannah slits her own wrists and dies in her bathtub, I felt actually sick. I thought I was going to vomit. All of the emotions that I haven’t allowed to surface for a while came up at once. I have been exactly where Hannah was. I am so thankful that I was stronger than her and was never successful. My heart hurts for this fictional character because I know that thousands of “Hannah’s” are walking around every high school and I want it to stop.
I hope that girls will see this show and realize that they do not need to suffer in silence like Hannah did. I hope school counselors see this and realize that their job is so important and must be taken very seriously.
I know this is a jumble of thoughts, but this entire blog is a jumble. I just felt so strongly about this and I needed to get it out. I still feel sick, but I am so thankful that I survived.
You know what really sucks????? When every guy that comes into your life screws you over. I know my whole blog seems to be me ranting about boy issues, but boys just really know how to piss me off. I do not know what the heck is wrong with me to deserve all the crap that they say and do to me.
A boy from my past recently came back into my life. I should have known that he was no different. He kept telling me how much he loved me and could see us together and blah blah blah. Of course, stupid me fell for it.
Guys love to verbally abuse me and it freaking hurts. He just texted me such hurtful stuff. I have not thought about self harm in a very long time, yet some stupid boy comes around and it hits all of my triggers. I HATE that boys have power over me. I try so hard to take it away from them yet they always get it.
I have gone over and over all this crap with my therapist and it’s like I am cursed. I am so hurt right now and he hit me at a really low point. I think that his words are so hurtful right now because I am at a low point. I am beyond stressed with school and trying to figure my life out. I cry at least once a day. It’s actually ridiculous.
I am honestly sick of life at this point and his mean and hurtful comments really just sent me over the edge.
Just gonna try to sleep this off.